


A Match Made In Hopefulness

by SilchasRuin



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Ensemble Cast, F/F, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Matchmaking, Post-Canon, Soul Friendship, oblivious Hajime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2019-11-18 22:07:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 35,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18127106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilchasRuin/pseuds/SilchasRuin
Summary: Hajime Hinata is simultaneously completely oblivious, in complete denial, and head over heels in hopeless love, and Nagito Komaeda is...at best, charitably describable as his usual self. From the outside, it looks as if they'll never manage to actually get together. It's a good thing Hajime has many, many friends to make sure that doesn't happen.





	1. In Which An Idea! (Guaranteed To Work. No Refunds. No Exchanges.) Is Born

On the best of days, Jabberwock Island was a tranquil place. With only fifteen residents on the entire island, the soothing silence was punctuated only by the gentle lapping of the waves, or the low whine of insects, industrious and unseen in the summer heat.

The only problem was, sometimes the whine was Kazuichi Soda's. And, unlike that of the insects, it was utterly impossible to escape from.

"I just don't get what she sees in that jerk, ya know?" Kazuichi mumbled, kicking at the sand with his foot. It was the hundred and seventeenth time that Hajime had heard that refrain since Gundham Tanaka had woken up all those months ago. Unfortunately, it hadn't gotten any easier to console Kazuichi - in fact, as Sonia and Gundham's relationship had progressed, it became even harder to distract him. Even the "tank dates" that his friend so bizarrely coveted had seemed to lose their luster recently, and his pink eyes, usually so bright and cheerful, were indrawn and dull.

"Kazuichi..." Hajime sighed, flickering through a dozen different plans of attack in his head. Sometimes, having the ghost of Izuru Kamakura in his head was actually somewhat helpful, albeit horrifying. Other times - especially when it came to anything vaguely involving emotion, social cues, or actual feelings for someone other than yourself - the ghost promptly ran away screaming, and he was stuck with just his own, ordinary self. He opened his mouth to speak, then shook his head. He'd already tried encouraging Kazuichi to talk to Sonia, or move on with his life, or concentrate on his mechanical work, or any of the completely useless pieces of advice that he'd found in the self-help books in the library. Perhaps he should try a different tactic, one that came from a place of pure-

_Hope._

He shook his head roughly. No, he'd meant - well, it didn't matter what he'd meant. But whatever it was, he could at least try to help Kazuichi. He tentatively reached out, placing his hand on his friend's shoulder. "You know, Kazuichi...aren't you the least bit happy for her?"

Kazuichi's head jerked around. "H-happy for her?" His shoulders slumped, and the corners of his mouth drooped for a moment. Hajime held his breath. It was possible that Kazuichi was actually giving the question some serious thought. After a few seconds of silence, Kazuichi looked up again, his lips drawn into a tight line. When he spoke, his voice was uncharacteristically serious. "I know, Hajime. I know I'm coming across like a real moron. It's just...Lady Sonia, she's like- like an angel, ya know? And I should'a known that she'd never pick someone like me. Someone who's selfish, and stupid-"

Hajime winced. "Hey, Kazuichi, don't beat yourself up like this-"

Kazuichi met his eyes. "Nah, Hajime. I am stupid. Too stupid to even feel happy for the girl I like when she's - she's so..." His voice trailed off momentarily before he murmured wistfully again. "Her smile's so beautiful, Hajime. I guess I just wanted it t'be me who made her smile like that. Not some-" He clamped his mouth shut, then shrugged weakly. "Whatever."

The two of them stood in awkward silence for a few minutes. Hajime shuffled nervously, feeling the pressure to say something - anything - build in the air. "Are you okay?"

The mechanic rubbed the back of his head, then smiled weakly. Both of them pretended not to notice the glistening in his eyes. "Y-yeah, man, I'm fine! Don't worry about me."

The knot of tension in Hajime's shoulders released a little. "Okay." He should have stopped there. He really should have stopped, but something - _bad luck, Hajime?_ \- made his big mouth continue the sentence. "You know, there's other girls on the island-"

"Well, that's easy for you t'say, Hajime," Kazuichi snapped, eyes flashing with a bit of his old fire. "It's not like Komaeda's ever going to tell you no!"

_..._

_..._

_...Komaeda? Why would Nagito..._

"Wait, what?" he yelped. He was pretty sure his ears were burning. Possibly the rest of him as well. "That-no, that's wrong! There's no way...I mean, Nagito-uh, Komaeda - I mean...!" He forced himself to take a deep breath. "I'm just a reserve student. He...he finally wanted to be friends, but he keeps acting weird, and that hope was all a lie anyway!" _It's Izuru Kamakura that he really wanted. That's the Ultimate Hope he was looking for. I knew that...didn't I?_ He was barely aware of the words that continued to pour out of his mouth. "I don't have that hope that dwells inside me that he was in lo-" He caught himself just in time. Slowly, cautiously, Hajime looked up briefly, only to see Kazuichi staring at him as if he was wearing Usami's ribbons, slack-jawed and dazed.

"Uh....forgetIsaidthatIhavetogo-"

"H-hang on, Hajime," Kazuichi said, eyes wide with wonder. "Are ya seriously telling me...y'don't really know?"

"Know what?" Hajime said with a nervous laugh. "I-it's not like I'm in love with him or anything! Or him with me!"

He hadn't thought it was possible for Kazuichi's jaw to drop any further. "I, uh...I never said anything about love, Hajime..."

Right! That was right. He hadn't. And anyways, he definitely wasn't interested in Komaeda like that. Nor would Komaeda ever be interested in plain, non Super-High-School Level Hajime Hinata, either. It wasn't like he thought about him a lot - about the weird things that he would say about hope and despair and talent or the way he had of running his hands through his hair or picturing what he would do in situations like this. Nope, not at all.

Komaeda would probably...burst out into insane laughter and then run off into the night after scaring Kazuichi off, right? That was a good plan of action, right?

_Obviously not, you idiot! What the hell are you doing?_

It was only then that he realized that he was still standing there, hunched over, eyes darting in place like a complete weirdo, while Kazuichi was still staring at him with the same expression of mild horror that he normally reserved for Teruteru. The mechanic waved his hand in front of his face before speaking, still cautious. "Have ya tried, uh...telling him how y'feel?"

Hajime snapped out of his stupor instantly. "Are you seriously reusing the same advice column lines I used on you?"

Kazuichi held up his hands defensively. "Hey, some of those lines worked! Kinda. But seriously, Hajime...have ya considered doin' that?"

"Allow me to cut through those words! There's no way I can!"

"'Cause Komaeda really likes you, y'know -"

"I agree with that! As a friend!"

Kazuichi gaped. A spark reignited in his eyes as he wiped away a brimming tear, truly touched. "S-soul friend...you're really as stupid as I am, huh?"

Hajime threw up his hands. "This is a completely pointless conversation! I'm going to bed!"

He turned on his heel and stalked away, a motion that was definitely much more impressive after long hours of practice from dealing with Komaeda. And Teruteru, although that was really more like a panicked scramble than anything else. And Izuru. And pretty much everyone else in his life right now.

_So, your hope wasn't strong enough to overcome this despair, huh, Hinata-kun?_

_...shut up, head-Komaeda._

Hajime Hinata didn't look back as he stormed off to his cabin. If he had, he would have noticed Kazuichi Soda standing up straight and tall, his pink gaze alive and dancing with a familiar energy.

"Soul friend..." Kazuichi muttered to himself. He stood deep in thought for a few minutes, gears grinding in his head, before pumping his fist in the air. "All right, I'm going to do it! I'll bring Hajime and Komaeda together, no matter what! I'll support my soul friend with all of my strength!"

A fortuitous crack of thunder split the previously clear sky behind him, dramatically punctuating his statement. Kazuichi stood like that for a while, his familiar grin plastered across his features. After a minute or so, it faded.

"But...I don't really know anythin' about dating..."

His course was set, however. He was determined to do this - no, he *would* do this. He was just going to need some help. And there were definitely people around who could help him.

Many, many people.


	2. In Which Our Hero Sells His Soul (And Several Other Things, As Well)

In the morning, Kazuichi Soda considered his options.

To be honest, he hadn't really been listening to most of the stuff that Hajime had been trying to tell him while he'd been pining for his lost love. But of the few pieces of advice he'd heard that had managed to sink in (not that he'd actually _done_ any of that, of course - after all, what was the point?), he had to admit that it really would be best if Hajime and Komaeda would just sit down and talk to each other.

Kazuichi was bad at this whole dating thing. Really, _really_ bad. That much had been proven when Lady Sonia had completely disregarded him in favor of some weirdo who had non-ironically proclaimed himself as the Dark Overlord and Ultimate Ascendant of Ice. _(More like Lord of Melodrama, Kazuichi thought resentfully)._ But even he could tell that Komaeda had it bad for Hajime, to the point where it was actually somewhat terrifying. Although if his soul friend was into that, who was he to judge? Anyone with half a functioning brain would be able to tell that Hajime secretly liked Komaeda as well. Somewhere among all of the stolen glances, awkward conversations, and accidental touches - usually followed by Hajime turning scarlet, jumping and stuttering something incomprehensible - was a real chance at an actual, functional relationship.

And, considering that, there was really only one place for him to go to.

***

Kazuichi hesitated in front of the door, twisting his beanie in his hands. He knew that he had to do this to help his soul friend. It was the best way to ensure Hajime's happiness. But he imagined that he could detect a dark sensation of dread oozing from the pores of that innocuous building. Probably his pores, too. He did his best to blink the tears from his eyes. _Why did it have to be-_

The door slammed open, and a high-pitched scream escaped from Kazuichi's lips before he could stop it. The face in front of him twisted into an even more ferocious scowl than usual. "Ugh! What are you even doing here, you stupid coward? I mean, I knew you were a useless pile of pig shit anyway, but I didn't know you were too stupid to even open a door!"

"S-Saionji-san," he whimpered, trying desperately to blink away the tears forming in his eyes. He knew she would see it as a sign of structural weakness. He could already picture her giggling behind her hand as she smashed all of his plans into pieces. "Don't be so mean! I'm not here for myself, ya know!"

Saionji's eyes narrowed to laser points. "Huuuuh? That's even stupider than I thought! Why don't you just go die and leave us-"

"Hiyoko!"

If anyone had told him in the simulation that it was possible for someone to make Saionji actually feel guilty, he would have probably just figured that they were crazy. Or overly optimistic, which had pretty much amounted to the same thing in there. But from the way Saionji's mouth instantly snapped shut, and the shy look she darted at the photographer behind her, she really did look sorry. _And even though she's not a little kid any more, kind of...cute?_

Saionji's features twisted, her lip quivering. With a dramatic sniffle, she burst into loud, noisy tears. "Waaaaah! Mahiru-chan, I didn't do anything, I swear! It was him! He's being so weird, and creepy, and he was outside for so long! What if he's spying on us?"

Kazuichi gaped, unable to even croak out a feeble protest. _Nope, I was wrong. This girl's like a demon or something..._

Koizumi bore down on him before he could finish his thought, and for a moment he wondered why he'd ever been more scared of Saionji than he was of her. "Soda, did you seriously make her cry? Weren't you ever taught any manners?"

"I-I didn't! It wasn't me!" This only made Saionji's cries even shriller. The effect was at least twice as horrifying on a grown woman's body than it had been on a child's. "I'm tellin' the truth!"

Koizumi gently patted Saionji's back. "There, there, Hiyoko-chan," she murmured soothingly. "It's all right." Her gaze snapped back to Kazuichi, voice frigid once more. "What are you doing outside, then?"

Saionji's sobs were getting louder and louder, and he couldn't think of anything else to do to make it stop. "I need help gettin' Hajime and Komaeda to ask each other out on a date!"

In a heartbeat, everything became dead silent. Saionji wiped the remnants of her crocodile tears from her face and stared at him as if he'd grown another head. After a moment, Koizumi cleared her throat and spoke. "Why did you come to us for help, Soda?"

"Because you're the only ones in a normal relationship on this entire island, ya know?" He tried following up the compliment with a winning smile, but Koizumi's stunned expression was replaced by a death glare. Her fingers tightened on the camera hung around her neck.

"That's such a lazy, unreliable reason. It's so typical of a guy to give a reason like that," she hissed.

"That's right, Mahiru-chan!" Saionji cheered. "You tell this pi-uh, I mean, you tell him!"

"N-no, wait! I mean, uh...I mean-"

Unbidden, an image of Hajime's downtrodden features swam to the forefront of his mind. No! He'd said he would do it! He wouldn't let his soul friend down like this!

"Because you guys are really stable together," he blurted out. "And, y'know...it's 'cause you really try to understand each other, and do stuff the other likes together. An' when the two of you are with each other, you guys talk things out instead of holdin' an eatin' contest or jumping ten feet and blushin' or whatever the hell it is that Fuyuhiko and Peko do together..."

Koizumi, whose expression had started to thaw halfway through his first sentence, held out a hand. "Geez, Soda, I get it. You can stop now." Her tone was more pleased than her words suggested, however, and a faint blush dusted her cheeks.

"...I guess, if it's Hajime, I don't mind helping thaaat much," Saionji mumbled, looking away.

"Hey! What about me?" Kazuichi protested, but shrunk back as Koizumi shook her head in disappointment again.

"What was that, Soda?"

"Uh...nothing!" He barely stopped himself from adding a 'ma'am' at the end.

Koizumi sighed. "Anyways, Soda, why not just get the two of them to sit down and talk to each other? They have to man up and face their problems at some point, right?"

"That's the problem!" he protested. "Hajime somehow doesn't know Komaeda's in love with him-"

"...how unreliable of him."

"-and Komaeda...I mean, d'you guys think we _could_ talk to Komaeda?"

All three of them paused to consider it for a moment. Even Saionji shuddered at the thought.

"All right, fine," Koizumi conceded. "You might be a bit of a pushover, Soda, but it's pretty reliable of you to want to help your friend. So of course we'll help you-"

"But not for free," Saionji added. When Koizumi and Kazuichi both turned to look at her, she shrugged innocently. "What? The pi-Soda really wants to help Hajime, right? So he'll definitely do something small for us in return, right?"

"Hiyoko-chan..." Koizumi shook her head fondly, then turned back to Kazuichi. "She's right, you know? This can be a lesson for you! Successful couples should compromise so both people are happy!"

"B-but what about me..." Kazuichi bit off his whimper in mid-sentence. Koizumi was right! It was time to man up! To strengthen his soul. "All right! I'm in! What's our plan?"

His newfound confidence withered and died under the brunt of the vicious, delighted smile on Saionji's face. "Not so fast! You'd better come in first..."

Taking him by the arms, Saionji dragged a rapidly weakening Kazuichi into the old building that she and Koizumi had converted into a photography studio, laughing all the way. For a moment, Kazuichi's panicked whines began to rise in intensity -

And then Koizumi, shaking her head indulgently, closed the door behind them. And there was only silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will our poor hero survive what Saionji has planned for him? And will all three of their plans survive the mess that is Hajime and Komaeda?


	3. In Which Progress Is Made! (If You Squint Really Hard)

Kazuichi left Koizumi and Saionji's makeshift studio with his dignity in tatters and his shoulders stiff with fear, Koizumi's admonishments ringing in his ears. At times, he thought that she was more insistent about manning up than Nekomaru was about training - not that he would ever tell either of them that. He wasn't _that_ stupid. But, more importantly than any of those things, he also left with a concrete Plan. A romantic (as far as he could tell), elegant (according to Koizumi, who he definitely wasn't going to argue with), and completely foolproof ( _Even for idiot pigs like you, Soda,_ Saionji had said with a smirk) Plan that was sure to work. 

Surprisingly enough, it had mostly been Saionji's idea. She had been remarkably co-operative, and had even volunteered to take care of several of the details. In fact, she hadn't even seemed to mind when Kazuichi had cautiously tried to make sure that none of those details involved decorating anything. Koizumi had simply rolled her eyes at him, and that had seemed to sort the matter out. At least, he sincerely hoped that it had.

At any rate, with the two girls taking care of organization, planning, and all and sundry details, Hajime was sure to be happily ensconced in Komaeda's arms by the next evening. With any luck, he would even manage to stay there - and it would all be thanks to his soul friend!

Still, no matter how hard he tried to ignore it, Kazuichi couldn't quite seem to shake the small, insistent voice in his head telling him that he'd basically been...well, completely useless. Sure, he'd tried his best to give helpful suggestions. He'd really thought that his idea about animating a MechaHina and MechaMaeda and having them joyfully kiss on stage would have worked, if anyone had been willing to give it a chance. But in the end, Koizumi had simply sighed and told him firmly that they would take care of everything. And even though he admitted to himself that he'd been a bit relieved, he couldn't help but feel as if he was extraneous. A third wheel, yet again.

_H-Hang on!_ Wait - that wasn't right! Hadn't Koizumi and Saionji entrusted him with the most important task of all? Hadn't Saionji herself stated, in an oddly sweet voice, that he was the only one out of the three of them who could ever have been given a task like that? A task like -

He froze as the realization hit him. Beads of sweat ran down his face, intermingling with his tears. "A-a task like that...Damn it! Why'd it have to be me?"

But even though he waited for a while, the insects failed to answer him. Head down, tugging his beanie as far along his forehead as it would go, he slouched back to his cabin. He had until tomorrow morning to prepare, after all. He could definitely do this! In fact, he was even starting to get an idea as to how! He just needed a few small things...

***

A stray beam of sunlight woke Kazuichi from his slumber. Snorting, he cracked one eye open, then jumped out of his chair, eyes widening in realization. "The time!" he exclaimed. If he'd overslept and missed his chance - if the Plan was going to fail because of him...

He could already hear Koizumi's disappointed sigh. "Unreliable," she'd say. "Typical." For some reason, even though he could imagine Saionji's litany of insults as well, they didn't make his stomach drop with guilt as much as the thought of letting his friends down did.

He hastily tugged a new jumpsuit on, staring woefully at the heap of components on his desk as he attempted to cover every last strand of his hair with his beanie. He'd made a good start, but the power armor was nowhere near complete. In fact, it was possibly even worse than just strapping a sheet of metal to his chest, considering all of the last-minute adjustments he'd tried to account for when designing it. It wouldn't manage to stop a hamster bite, let alone a knife, or an out-of-control tank, or a one-in-a-million lightning strike. Not that the sheet metal would be any better, in that case.

Kazuichi cast one last glance at the armor, then shook his head grimly, racing out the door. It was his own fault for falling asleep. He would just have to deal with the consequences.

_Soul friends, soul friends, soul friends,_ he chanted in his head as he ran. And for some reason, it really did steady his nerves.

***

Breakfast was in full swing when Kazuichi pounded up the restaurant stairs, nearly colliding with MIkan in his hurry.

"Eeeek!"

"Whoa!" Kazuichi reached out in a vain attempt to steady her, but Mikan somehow miraculously managed to keep her balance. Her big eyes, already welling with tears, were uncomfortably familiar. "Hey, I'm sorry about-"

"I-I-I'm sorry!" Mikan wailed, bursting into uncontrollable sobs. Kazuichi opened his mouth to tell her that it wasn't her fault, it was his, but paused. _She's already inconsolable...what if I just make it worse?_

"Shut up, pig bitch," Saionji snapped. "Hey, Soda, you moron! What are you doing here so late?" Her hand made a squishing motion directly in Kazuichi's line of vision. "You'd better not give some pathetic excuse, or..."

Sonia - Lady Sonia - stretched out a hand. "Everyone, calm down!" She turned to Mikan, whose sobs had been stifled to quiet whimpers. "Tsumiki-san, are you all right?"

"Y-yes...thank you f-f-for worrying about me," Mikan mumbled timidly. With a flash of guilt, Kazuichi realized that he'd forgotten about her completely as soon as Lady Sonia started speaking. Her voice, her demeanor, her beautiful smile, her caring - she really was like an angel.

_An angel who's dating somebody else._ The realization was a bucket of cold water thrown down his spine. Surreptitiously, he checked to make sure Saionji hadn't really managed to dump anything on his back.

"Thank you, Sonia!" Koizumi said brightly. She stepped to the front of the room, clapping her hands for attention. "Everyone, Saionji and I have an announcement to make!"

"C'n'grtlations!" Akane attempted to shout from around a mouthful of pancakes. "When's the wedding?"

"I-it's not that!" Koizumi's face matched her hair for a moment. "Not yet, anyway," she mumbled to herself with a smile, before shaking her head and resuming her speech. "Saionji and I are throwing a party tonight to unveil our new photography studio!" She looked down at the ground, voice dropping. "The photos that I took of all of our smiles are going to be there, so I hope everyone will come..."

"You'd all _better_ come," Saionji hissed, looking around at the assembled guests. "I'll be gracing you with my dance skills as well for Mahiru-chan's party, so I'll expect to see you all there!"

"MA'AM, YES MA'AM!" Nekomaru bellowed, snapping into a crisp salute.

"Yahoooooo!" Ibuki screamed, pouncing on Saionji and hugging her tightly. "A party? Of course Ibuki-chan will be there! Especially if it's important to Mahiru-chan and Hiyoko-chan, too!"

"W-whatever," Saionji stuttered, although the corners of her mouth twitched upward at the hug. She twisted around as much as she could while enveloped by the rock star. "Hey, Hajime! You're coming too, to watch me dance, right?"

Hajime looked up from the plate of eggs he had evidently been attempting to commit to memory, surprise flashing across his golden eyes. "Huh? Me?" His features dissolved into a warm smile. "Of course I'll come! I promised, didn't I?"

"...yeah. Obviously," Saionji looked away, spots of color blooming in her cheeks.

And with that, it was settled. Koizumi gave Kazuichi a meaningful look from across the room. _Oh yeah, right. Everyone's here, except...my task._

Well, there was only really one way to find Komaeda when he didn't want to be found. And that was to ask the one person who Komaeda would always allow to find him.

Hajime looked up briefly from his eggs again as Kazuichi slid into the chair across from him. "Oh, hey, Kazuichi." He ran his hand through his long hair, wincing as he found a tangle. "So, listen, about the other day..."

"Huh? Whaddya mean?" Kazuichi asked quickly. "I've already forgotten it! It was so unmemorable, ya know? Hahaha!"

Hajime eyed him warily. "Uh..." He shrugged, although Kazuichi wasn't quite sure if it was in disappointment or relief. "Okay. Sure. Yeah." He resumed pushing his eggs around with his fork.

"So...Komaeda's not here, huh?" he asked casually.

Kazuichi was sure he'd been subtle, but Hajime choked on thin air. Kazuichi pounded his back as he gasped for breath. "Wh-why would you ask me that?" he wheezed suspiciously.

"Oh, no reason!" he said brightly. "Just, uh...he's never at breakfast." A horrifying thought suddenly occurred to him. "Does he even eat? Like, normal food?" Visions of a blood-drenched Komaeda laughing hysterically over the corpse of a freshly-killed deer ran through his head.

"Uh, yeah." Hajime actually looked a little offended. "What else would he eat?"

Kazuichi shook his head, shuddering. "Fresh meat, or something, from...well, it's better you don't know," he mumbled.

Hajime seemed to process his statement for a second. Abruptly, for some reason, Hajime's face went scarlet again. He abruptly stood, pushing his uneaten eggs to one side. "I-I'm going to go! I should take breakfast to Nagito." His voice rose higher in pitch. "Actual breakfast! Real food!"

"Sure, Hajime. Whatever you say," he said soothingly. Hajime practically tripped over his chair on his mad dash to the kitchen.

Kazuichi waited until the count of five after Hajime had emerged from the kitchen with a giant plate of food in his hands and rushed out before he stood, nodded subtly to Koizumi, and followed him out of the building. _That was weird,_ he mused. _And everyone says I'm the strange one..._

Well, they were soul friends for a reason, after all.

***

Kazuichi lurked unobtrusively behind a tree several meters away from Komaeda and Hajime's location in Jabberwock Park, occasionally risking a stealthy peek at their picnic. _All those hours spent stalkin' Miss Sonia really came in handy!_ he thought proudly.

Unfortunately, the same could not be said for his friend's love life. He wasn't close enough to overhear their conversation, but from what he could tell, Hajime had shown up, shoved the plate at Komaeda, and then had awkwardly sat down beside him - probably to make sure he ate his food, which was actually pretty sweet. What wasn't sweet was the usual procession of darting glances and furious blushes from Hajime, accompanied by a woeful chorus of wistful sighs and starry eyes from Komaeda whenever he looked away.

Kazuichi knew, on the inside, that his behavior had been pretty bad when it came to Miss Sonia. But at least he'd managed to have a normal conversation with her sometimes. Frowning, he mentally revised that statement. Okay, maybe a few times. A couple of times. Definitely at least one time!

But whatever this was, it was really, _really_ bad. And having to stand around watching it was even worse.

_Is...is this how everyone else felt, watchin' me and Miss Sonia?_

Whatever Hajime was doing, he had better finish soon, Kazuichi thought darkly. All of this introspection was really killing him.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, Hajime reluctantly stood, giving Komaeda a weak wave. Komaeda's eyes followed him until he disappeared from sight.

All right! This was it. This was his moment to shine!

He walked forward, resolute. Komaeda turned to face him as a twig snapped beneath his foot, eerily quickly.

"Ah, Soda-san! Such luck, for two Ultimates to want to talk to trash like me in one day!"

"C-could ya stop talkin' like that?" Kazuichi mumbled, scratching the back of his neck. "It's really creepy."

"Oh, of course, Soda-san! Anything to inspire your wonderful hope!" Komaeda's eyes widened as he smiled brightly. Kazuichi automatically took a step backward. _Why is this even creepier than before?_

It was probably best to just say it and get it over with, like he'd been encouraging Hajime to do. "I came to invite you to a thing," he said eloquently.

"A...thing."

"A party, ya know?"

Komaeda's expression stilled for a moment. When he spoke again, it was uncharacteristically gentle. "I don't think that's such a good idea, Soda-san."

"Of course it's a good idea!" he said indignantly. "I mean, 'cause you're not going to try and kill anyone this time..." He hastily averted his gaze from Komaeda's unblinking stare. "And we're all goin', so you hafta come!"

"That's so kind of you, Soda-san! But I'm sure they don't really want someone like me there."

"Saionji and Koizumi specifically told me to invite you! Saionji's giving a performance, and-"

Komaeda's face grew even more doleful. "All the more reason for me not to pollute this event with my presence, Soda-san. After all, my bad luck would probably end up completely ruining everything! The stage could break, or a fire could start, or an earthquake could demolish the building, or-"

"It's a dance full of hope," Kazuichi interrupted desperately. "She'll be showin' her Ultimate talent! Don't tell me you really don't wanna see something like that!"

"Hope," Komaeda sighed, toying with the grass at his feet. Suddenly, his eyes widened as he pulled something from the ground. "Look, Soda-san! A four-leaf clover! If this is good luck, then...your inviting me must be bad luck, right? But if it's good luck for me, it'll be bad luck for you..."

Kazuichi struggled to keep his eyes from glazing over. He had no idea how Hajime managed to listen to this stuff all of the time. In a last-ditch attempt, he pulled out his trump card. "Look, Komaeda," he tried. "You really should come. 'Cause _everyone_ else is coming."

Komaeda frowned. "Everyone else?"

"Yeah," he replied, stressing the point. "Including Hajime."

"Oh, Hajime." Komaeda hummed under his breath, nodding to himself. He flashed Kazuichi a bright smile. "Very well, then! I'll come too."

"...just like that?"

"Yes!" Komaeda beamed at him.

"Um, okay, then." Kazuichi didn't realize that he had been slowly backing away until he bumped against an errant tree. "Right. So we'll, uh...see ya tonight, then. It's at that old building near the restaurant, around dinner or so."

Komaeda nodded cheerfully, allowing Kazuichi to make his retreat. He didn't start running until Komaeda was reassuringly far out of sight, but his fear didn't matter! He had fulfilled his role in the Plan. After today, Komaeda would be Hajime's problem.

And then he could safely go back to wallowing in his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our brave hero really, really needs a hug. Although the same can be said for Nagito and Hajime, as well! Can Kazuichi's master Plan really counter the Ultimate Awkwardness of two young people in love?


	4. In Which Things Proceed Much As Expected (Which Is To Say, Not At All)

Kazuichi Soda was many things, some of them more flattering than others. He certainly wasn't an expert on parties, or on the finer points of social interaction. But despite that, he knew as soon as he walked into Koizumi and Saionji's photography studio that this party was going to be amazing.

Koizumi had managed to capture moments that he hadn't even known existed. He found one of himself grinning confidently at the camera, flashing a thumbs-up alongside Akane and Nekomaru as they laughed over the commemorative Mechamaru clock he'd made to celebrate Nekomaru's awakening; next to it, another photo had caught his face from the side as he enthusiastically debated the drawbacks of lightsaber-versus-gun-fights with Peko. Unbidden, his hand drifted towards the carefree smiles in the photograph. Sure, he knew he was good at making gadgets - that was part of his talent, after all - but he'd never thought that it was possible for him to look quite so self-assured outside of the context of the machines he loved.

As he continued to examine the wall of photos, his grin only grew wider. Koizumi had chosen the photos to be placed at the center of her displays very carefully. Wherever his eyes moved, they were never far from a picture of Hajime and Komaeda together. The two of them breaking down in helpless laughter as Komaeda's bad luck demolished a hedge he'd been attempting to trim, the look of warmth in Hajime's eyes as he wiped an errant smudge of something from Komaeda's cheek, Komaeda's blissful and surprised smile as Hajime's hand brushed his - all of those moments composed a beautiful portrait of a couple in the first blush of love. It made him feel strangely poetic.

And, more importantly, there was no way that Hajime would be able to deny his feelings upon seeing these!

He moved along the hallway, marveling at Koizumi's collage of smiles all the way. "Hey, Koizumi!" he called out, catching a telltale flash of red hair. "These photos are really-" He caught himself just before telling her that they were _great, amazing_ , or something unreliable like that. "-really stunning! Like gettin' a mild electric shock when ya touch something you're workin' on and realizing it's completely different from what you thought it was...but in a good way, y'know?"

Koizumi smiled softly. "I can't really say I know that feeling, Soda, but...thank you all the same. That's actually a really good compliment, relatively speaking," she added approvingly.

He stood up a little bit straighter. "Hey, thanks!"

"You're very welcome!" Koizumi stood on her toes to peer around, frowning. "Have you seen Hajime anywhere? He was supposed to be here a little earlier, so he could get a good look at the pictures before everyone else showed up." She sighed as he shook his head. "I guess you're improving a bit, Soda, but it looks like Hajime is as unreliable as always."

"D'you want me to go look for him?" he ventured, but she waved the suggestion away.

"No, Hiyoko-chan's dance is going to start soon anyways. You should get some food, if you were planning on eating. Akane's already here, and I'm sure you wouldn't want to eat while Hiyoko's performing! You've got better manners than that, right?"

"Oh, ah...r-right!" he said hastily as Koizumi's expression darkened, hurrying towards the main hall. "I'll just go and do that, then!"

Sure enough, the first thing he saw when he entered was Akane attempting to eat an entire chicken by herself, while Nekomaru roared encouragingly next to her. "As an athlete, you have to make sure you get enough PROTEIIIIIIIIN! But not too much, or you'll really need to SHIIIIIII-"

"Please do not finish that sentence, Nidai-san!" Miss Sonia implored. Beside her, Tanaka tugged his scarf up over his face and muttered something about the sulfurous horrors of the underworld.

"Oh, K-K-Kazuichi!" a small voice squeaked beside him. "Um...did you already eat?"

"Oh, hey, Mikan!" He scratched his head, scrutinizing the rapidly dwindling food laid out on the tables at the edge of the room. "Nah, I was just about to get some food. Did y'want me to get you any?"

"N-no thank you, I already ate..." Her voice trailed off with a gasp. "Eeek! I-I mean...of course, if you want to make me eat something, of course I will! Please don't h-h-hate me!"

He tried smiling at her reassuringly, but she only looked even more upset. _Crap! She's gotta be scared of my teeth...damn it, why'd I have to go and do somethin' like that? It's always the nice girls who freak out at that sort of thing..._ "I don't hate you, Mikan, I was really only just askin'-" He caught sight of a familiar spike of hair out of the corner of his eye. "Hey, Hajime! Sorry, Mikan, got to go!"

He hurried over to Hajime, completely missing her small mumbles. "I-I'm sorry..."

"Hajime!" he exclaimed, slapping his friend around his back. "And hey, Komaeda!"

Komaeda waved politely as Hajime looked between the two of them with a tiny smile of relief. _Oh, yeah...it's not like many people other than Hajime make the effort to talk to Komaeda, huh._ He noticed Komaeda's fixed stare at his hand on Hajime's shoulders, and hastily withdrew. _Yeah, there's definitely a good reason for that..._

"So, what d'ya think about Koizumi's pictures? Aren't they great?" he probed.

"Huh?" Hajime looked a bit guilty. "Uh, well...I went to get Nagito, since I wasn't sure if he knew about the party. It was nice of you to invite him, Kazuichi," he said with a smile. "But one thing kind of led to another-"

"Really?!" Kazuichi gasped with joy. The Plan was so good that it had worked even before it had really started.

Hajime looked even more guilty. "Nagito's luck kicked in - not that any of it's his fault, of course! But don't worry! We escaped the killer bees safely thanks to something Izu-uh, something I'd read!"

"Yes, Hajime truly is wonderful!" Komaeda gushed. "He took charge so readily, as expected of someone like him!"

"Right. Someone like _me_ ," Hajime said weakly. "A-anyways, we're here - just in time for Hiyoko's performance, Mahiru was saying-"

"Aw, man! The food!" Kazuichi exclaimed, momentarily crestfallen. But there were more important things to worry about. "I'm sure there's still time! Both of you should really go look at Koizumi's pictures! Like, _really_ carefully!"

"Yeah, I know! I'm sure they're really good. But we can always go look after Hiyoko's performance, right?"

"Uh...well, I guess, but-"

But it was too late. A hush fell over the crowd as the lights dimmed and Saionji stepped out onto the makeshift stage at the far end of the room. Dressed in a heavily embroidered kimono, with two large fans in her hands, she commanded the entire hall with her presence.

"Thank you all for coming, everyone," she said sweetly, smiling at them. "I'd like to dedicate this dance to Mahiru-chan. And to all of us being together, as well." Kazuichi's jaw dropped. Was this really how she sounded when she was in dance-mode? Maybe they should make her dance all the time, as a protective measure if nothing else-

And then the music started, and the dance began, and it was simply beautiful. Saionji's movements defied words; her face defied and defined expression, conveying emotion in the most subtle of motions and grace in every step. In a vague way, Kazuichi knew what she'd done to her legs while in the grips of despair. He knew that, like all of them, she'd been shattered and remade. But what he saw in her dance was more than just a rebuttal of that despair. It was a celebration of life, a promise that better things would come. It was like watching her be reborn.

When the dance ended and Saionji curtsied before them, face flushed, the cheers drowned out the last few notes of music. Saionji waited until the last few sounds of applause (and Ibuki's shrill whistles) had died down before her face morphed back to its usual smirk of impending doom. "All right, everyone! In honor of tonight's theme, Mahiru-chan and I are going to teach everyone how to do a simple waltz! So all of you had better partner up!"

A few couples drew together uncertainly, but several of the others in the room milled around, giving each other hesitant looks. With an internal groan, Kazuichi noticed that Hajime and Komaeda were among the latter group. Thunderclouds gathered in Saionji's eyes. "Hey, you mo-uh, stup-uggh! You _people_ aren't going to refuse to do it, right? Not after I danced for you and everything!" Her eyes screwed up, fake tears beginning to form. "You wouldn't be such ugly bitches as to make a grown woman cry, would you?"

The few brave souls who still risked darting their eyes at the exit were met with the daunting sight of Teruteru standing in the doorway, a forgotten platter in his hand and a trail of blood dripping from his nose. "Mmhmhm, so many people want to skip the dance and indulge their most primal instincts by dancing with my body instead..."

Instantly, a mad dash for partners began. Miss Sonia and Tanaka, as well as Akane and Nekomaru, had already paired up from the beginning, while Ibuki grabbed the Ultimate Imposter's hand and began twirling around in a circle while gleefully screaming "Twogami-chaaaaaan!" Kuzuryuu, blushing furiously, took Pekoyama's hands in his, while Koizumi, smiling all the way, ascended to the stage to stand with Saionji. Hajime and Komaeda, unbelievably, were _still_ standing around awkwardly. Hajime's gaze wandered uncertainly between Komaeda, Kazuichi, and Mikan. _All right! It's up to me again!_ He quickly dashed over to where Mikan was silently watching the others, too timid to approach anyone.

"Hey, Mikan! D'you want to dance with me?"

"M-m-me?" Mikan stammered, eyes wide.

"Sure, why not?" He did his best to imitate the confident smile he'd had in Koizumi's pictures.

"Hey, Soda!" Saionji yelled, having noticed him and Mikan. "Why're you still wearing that stupid beanie? Remember our deal?"

Oh, no. The bargain they'd made. She'd remembered. He'd been hoping that she would forget, but of course she wouldn't have. _She really was a demon. A witch. Why he'd had to sell his soul to the likes of her-_

_Wait...when I say stuff like that, I sound like...like Tanaka..._

The horror on his face seemed to evoke sympathy from Mikan, who squeaked again. "U-um...what is she talking about, Kazuichi?"

He screwed his eyes up, gathering his courage. He'd come too far to back out now. Slowly, he slid off the beanie to reveal Saionji's handiwork - a crazed network of braids of various sizes and widths, with bright beads and glittery skull hairclips shoved at random into the tangled mass. _"Hehehehe! You'll help me practice my braidwork in return for Mahiru-chan and my help, right? And you'll show everyone during the Plan, right? It's soooooo harmless! Mahiru-chan's right, stupid cowards like you need to man up and just do it!"_ "I can't let my soul friend down!" he whispered to himself. Mikan just stared at him, her eyes growing wider and wider.

Desperately, he grabbed her hands in his. "Listen, Mikan, I know this looks really stupid and I get if you don't want ta dance with me. But I really need your help! I-it's really, really important that we dance together!"

"O-okay, Kazuichi," Mikan said softly. "I don't mind."

He quickly peeked over his shoulder at Hajime and Komaeda, who had drawn together at last. Success! He grinned happily at Mikan, who tentatively smiled back. "All right! Let's do this!"

"...yes, let's." She was smiling, too. 

Dancing with Mikan was actually pretty fun. Neither of them were very good at the steps, so they settled for just shuffling in a square-ish sort of shape and swaying along to the music. "Um, Kazuichi?" Mikan said. "I, um..." She seemed to struggle with herself for a moment before continuing. "Y-your hair-"

"Yeah, I know, it's even more stupid-lookin' than usual," he said gruffly.

"No, that's-that's not what I meant! I-I mean...you let Saionji-san do that to you...all to support Hajime, right?"

"Yeah, that's right!" He stared at her in surprise. She must have overheard his comment earlier. "But ya can't tell him or anythin', all right?"

"I w-wouldn't do that!" she insisted. "B-b-but, what I mean is..." She looked down, unable to meet his eyes. "I j-just...know what it's like to do that. I mean, I let my friends do things like that - c-cut my hair like this, so they would stay friends with me..." Her voice became even sadder. "They never did, though..."

For some reason, hearing that ignited a red glow in the pit of his stomach. "That's not right!" he said angrily. "Real friends shouldn't do stuff like that! _People_ shouldn't do stuff like that to each other!"

"R-really?" Her eyes were very wide.

"Yeah, obviously!" He thought back to all the times she'd weirdly tripped, or started crying for no reason. "Hey, nobody's doin' anything like that to you any more, right?"

She perked up, actually smiling a little. "N-no. Not anymore. I-I've finally got good friends now." She smiled at him. "You did all of this for your friend, and he won't even know you did it. _You're_ a really good friend, Kazuichi."

"Thanks!" He was surprised at how good the compliment made him feel. That was right...being a mechanic wasn't the only thing he was good at. He'd forgotten that for a bit, somehow. "Really...thanks, Mikan."

"Y-you're welcome," she stuttered, but she was still smiling as the last bars of the music lingered in the air.

***

Kazuichi dashed off to ask Mikan for a dance, and that meant the only option left to Hajime was -

_-was beautiful_

-was Nagito. And, conversely, that meant that the only option left to Nagito was him. Plain, ordinary Hajime Hinata. The last man on earth, as far as he was concerned.

He started to feel a bit of hope.

Nagito was just standing there watching him, eyes characteristically wide, not saying anything. _Looks like it's up to you to begin this trial, Hinata-kun!_

_Didn't I tell you to shut up already, head-Komaeda?_

He awkwardly held out his hand to Nagito. "So, uh...looks like we're going to have to pair up together, huh?"

"It seems like that's the case!" the other boy said cheerfully. "Looks like that's just my luck again!"

_It's your good luck,_ Hajime wanted to say, but the words wouldn't quite come out. "Right," he settled for saying instead. "So, uh...shall we dance?"

Nagito took his hand with a bright smile. "Whatever you want, Hajime!" He tried not to think about how cold Nagito's hand felt, in such sharp contrast to the heat and vibrancy of his body, barely a few centimeters apart from him-

_Idiot! If you keep thinking about that, you'll definitely screw up the dance!_

The music started. They both attempted to lead at once. Nagito's chin promptly smacked into Hajime's forehead, and he stumbled back with a startled yelp.

_Oh, this is off to a_ wonderful _start_.

_Shut up...Izuru?_ he hesitantly added after a moment. Perhaps he'd been right, since his inner monologue failed to resume again.

"Hajime! Are you hurt?" Nagito's voice was anxious. "If tra-"

He grabbed Nagito's hands again before he could finish that thought. "Sorry! I'm fine!" He looked up at the taller boy. "Uh, maybe it'd be better if you lead? Since you're taller."

"Ah, how disappointing," Nagito sighed, and Hajime's heart sunk a little. "I thought someone like you would be more...dominant." He flashed a catlike grin. "Although if you'd like me to take the lead, I'd be only too happy to let you use me as a stepping stone! I'm grateful that you even considered me!"

Hajime was sure that his face was red as Izuru's eyes. He couldn't even manage to formulate a response beyond a strangled squeak as he desperately tried to curb the parade of images that had happily started scrolling across his head at Nagito's casual statement. "Uh-uh...um! Let's switch halfway through! So we both have a chance to be dominant-arrgh, I mean...to lead!"

Nagito gamely agreed to this, and they resumed their attempt at the waltz. Things went much smoother this time. Nagito was surprisingly graceful and elegant as a leader, whisking him around effortlessly as if he'd already known how to waltz before. _Maybe he had known?_

To distract himself from Nagito's proximity, he looked around at the others. On the stage, Saionji's head rested on Mahiru's shoulder as they danced, content expressions on both of their faces. A wide space on the floor had been cleared around Nekomaru, who was laughing boisterously as he spun a whooping Akane round and round in the air. Fuyuhiko and Peko had retreated to a shadowy corner for their dance, but it seemed as if the yakuza heir was surprisingly good at dancing, and Peko was smiling happily as they moved through the steps. Even Twogami had a reluctant smile as he shimmied with Ibuki, whose enthusiasm had transformed the waltz into something completely different, but still...well, fun. Sonia and Gundham were perfectly graceful and regal, of course, and Kazuichi and Mikan actually looked like they were getting along pretty well. He hadn't seen his friend smile like that for a long time.

The time came for them to switch roles, and Hajime was forced to concentrate solely on not horrifically mangling the steps, or Nagito's feet, too badly.

"Hajime?"

"Yes?" he said, senses tingling, instantly on high alert.

Nagito smiled at him again, and he felt his insides melt into a warm puddle of mush. "What did you think of Saionji-san's performance?"

Hajime considered, rummaging through his thoughts. Finally, he met Nagito's eyes. "To be honest, I felt like...like it was full of hope."

Nagito's smile was like the sun after a month of rain. "I thought so too."

The last few bars of the music lingered in the air, and Hajime thought, for perhaps the first time since he'd started being unable to get those thoughts of Nagito out of his head, that there really might be a bit of hope in the world for them after all.

And then the first screams started, and the world ended yet again. And then there was only despair.

***

"N-n-no..." Kazuichi whimpered, his hands clutching his beanie so tightly that he thought he might rip the fabric. "Everything was going so well..."

The atmosphere had been so charged with the voltaic current of romance! Even he'd been able to feel it! And then Saionji had announced happily to everyone that there would be one more special guest. And Ibuki had bounded up onto the stage with her guitar, and announced cheerfully, "Ibuki wrote this song specially to celebrate Mahiru-chan and Hiyoko-chan today! I call it...'Wuv-wuv!'"

Koizumi had started to look vaguely puzzled at the looks of horror on half of the guests' faces. That was right - she couldn't have known the true depths of Saionji's suggestion. She hadn't been around to hear Ibuki's first concert.

Still, with a title like that...surely there was a chance, right? How could Ibuki write a death metal song on the subject of sappy love?

...it turned out that she really, really could. With great enthusiasm. And volume.

When it was over, Kazuichi raised his head from the corner, where he'd been huddled with Mikan. Even Teruteru looked flabbergasted; he looked at Ibuki in a new light, completely absent of his usual overwhelming perversion. It looked like...grudging respect?

"Despair..." Nagito muttered. "Despair..." Quickly, he took advantage of Teruteru's distraction and slipped past him into the hallway. His footsteps echoed in the silence as he broke into a run, successfully managing to escape.

"No!" Kazuichi moaned.

"No!" Hajime cried. "Nagito, wait for me!"

"Hajime, you're leaving already? But you promised..." Saionji said sadly.

"Th-that's right...I did," he mumbled, clearly dazed. He looked up at her hopefully. "But Ibuki's, uh...wonderful...song is done now, right? So...is the show over?"

Everyone - Saionji, Ibuki, and the damned souls still trapped inside - turned towards Koizumi, who looked equally dazed. Slowly, she gathered herself. "Ibuki, that...that was..."

Kazuichi held his breath.

"That was so beautiful and passionate and emotionally evocative!" Koizumi cheered. "Do you have any more songs you could play, Ibuki-chan?"

"Of course Ibuki does!" she cheered. "And Ibuki can't wait to finally finish a concert for her friends!"

_No...Koizumi...you were our last hope..._ He stared disbelievingly at her waving her hands in the air next to Saionji. _They're really more alike than I thought, huh..._

And the screams continued. And the guitar riffs. And the headbanging. And the pound of an invisible, omnipresent bass.

By the time Hajime stumbled out of the building, he was in no condition to even notice that Koizumi had even put up any photos at all, let alone to appreciate the shots of him and Komaeda.

And Kazuichi staggered back to his bedroom, curled up on his mattress, and resolved to add a soundproof barrier to his power armor for his next attempt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the first hint of some actual KomaHina! It's too bad neither Hajime nor Nagito can take the hint, yet.


	5. In Which Hope Springs Forth From An Unexpected Place (Please Let Hope Be The Only Thing Springing Forth)

Kazuichi was determined to salvage this situation. He felt pretty good about his chances. After all, it wasn't like Koizumi's pictures were going anywhere. And Hajime, being Hajime, was probably feeling guilty over having left the party before he'd looked at her photos. So, all he had to do was invite Hajime to take another look at the collage with him. The Plan would finally come to a successful end.

His cocky grin faded as he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Of course, the Plan would have to wait until he could get rid of Saionji's handiwork.

***

It took longer than he'd thought it would to unravel all of the braids that Saionji had gleefully woven into his hair. Unfortunately, the end result - a messy pink halo half-starched by hair spray that smelled overwhelmingly of cherry blossoms - possibly looked even worse than it had before.

Well, whatever! He had his trusty beanie, after all.

He entered the restaurant with a spring in his step, looking around for Hajime. Most of the others seemed to already have finished their breakfast, but he spotted a glum-looking Koizumi at one of the tables.

_Huh? That's strange...she was enjoyin' Ibuki's 'music' last night, right? Is she sad 'cause everyone left right after?_

"Hey, Koizumi!" He wilted a little as she turned towards him. "Uh, what I meant was good mornin'!"

"Good morning," she said automatically, still subdued. Kazuichi frowned. He didn't like seeing his friends upset.

"Everyone was a bit tired 'cause Ibuki's concert was so fun, ya know," he lied, "but everyone was sayin' how much they liked your photos!"

Koizumi just sighed. "Everyone, huh?"

Kazuichi backpedaled, thinking furiously. "Well, uh...Fuyuhiko's kinda scary, but he still came, so I'm sure he liked 'em on the inside..." He trailed off when he saw that her expression wasn't changing. "Peko liked them too?" he tried.

Koizumi shook her head. "Geez, Soda, you don't have to try so hard to make me feel better!" She looked a little relieved for a moment. "Actually, Fuyuhiko came up to me this morning and told me he liked them. He was way too crude for a man talking to a girl, but I guess he did make an effort."

"Awesome!" he said, grinning. "So that's good, right?"

"Yeah, I guess it is."

"Great! So, about Hajime-"

Koizumi scowled. "I'm sorry, Soda. Hiyoko-chan and I did our best, but...you never told us Hajime was so unreliable!"

"I mean, it's mostly you who calls him that..."

"What was that?"

"N-nothing!" He leaned forward, eager to share his brilliant idea with Koizumi. "Hey, I know yesterday didn't really work like we planned, but we've still got a chance! Y'see, all we have to do is get Hajime ta look at your pictures right now! When he sees the ones of him and Komaeda, he'll definitely understand right away!"

Koizumi regarded him levelly. "Soda...I already tried that this morning."

His jaw dropped. "Y-you did?" He shrugged. This was proof that his idea really had been awesome! Koizumi had thought of the same thing, and great minds thought alike, right? "So Hajime an' Komaeda are together now? That's gre-"

"They're not," she said flatly.

"Huh?" He scratched the back of his neck. "I mean, I guess that's fine. Couples don't hafta hang out together all the time-"

"No, Soda. The pictures didn't work."

"N-no way!" He thought back to what he'd seen in the hall. "Did ya show Hajime the one with Komaeda tryin' to feed him? Or the one of his face when Komaeda woke up from his pod? Or the one-"

"He looked at all of them, Soda. I made sure." Koizumi's face dropped again. "I really thought he would man up and acknowledge his feelings. But I guess my photos weren't enough..."

"They were definitely enough!" Soda said forcefully. "If my soul friend didn't manage to see 'em properly, that's not your fault!"

Koizumi hummed thoughtfully to herself, frowning. "He did feel something," she said softly. "But it was different from what I expected. He looked almost...sad? Maybe it's something else," she mused, half to herself. "Maybe his problem is something other than just acknowledging that he's in love..."

"It's all right, Koizumi!" he said, giving her his best grin and flashing her a thumbs-up. "We've made progress, ya know! Thanks for all your help! And thanks to Saionji as well, I guess," he hastily added.

"Heh, you're always so optimistic, Soda," she laughed. "Sometimes I wish I had your confidence!"

_My...confidence?_

He just smiled, a little nervously, and concentrated on eating. This was fine! This was all part of the Plan!

***

Later that night, Kazuichi was forced to admit that there *was* no Plan.

He'd done his best to think as he worked on some projects to clear his mind, but he still wasn't able to understand why the Plan hadn't worked. He idly scuffed at the sand under his feet. One of Hajime's advice-column tidbits of wisdom had involved trying a change of scenery. It had been terrible advice at the time, since it wasn't like any of them would ever be able to leave this island. But, all the same, he'd figured it wouldn't hurt to try thinking on the beach.

It was no use. The gears in his head, he reflected glumly, were thoroughly rusted. If only he could take apart Hajime's mind like a watch, see what was making him tick-

"A-ha! I thought there might be some cute girls skinny dipping in the water at night, but I suppose I can settle for you, Kazuichi!"

"AARGH!" He jumped in his shock, tripped, and windmilled wildly in a desperate, fruitless attempt to save himself. He crashed down, scooting away from the gleeful menace of the short figure in front of him. "Teruteru...wha..."

"You know, I'm hurt that you didn't come to me first, Kazuichi," Teruteru hummed, fingering his chin.

"C-come to you?" Kazuichi's voice rose several octaves. "You pervert! I like girls! GIRLS!"

"You should be more open-minded!" Teruteru scolded him. "Eating the same dish all the time isn't good for the palate, you know!"

"My palate isn't coming anywhere near you!"

"How rude! And to think, I was going to offer you my help with Hajime..." He sighed suggestively.

"H-Hajime?" Kazuichi gaped at him. "Hey, how did ya know about that?"

"Oh, please," the Ultimate Chef sniffed. "If there's anyone who's an expert on love on this island, it's me!"

"I don' think _love_ is what you're an expert on..."

"Admit it, Kazuichi. You won't manage to get anywhere on your own with that provincial attitude, you know! What you really need is the skill of an experienced, seasoned urbanite like myself!"

Kazuichi eyed him warily. "How do I know this isn't just some sort of new perverted thing?"

"Oh! Such little faith in me!" Teruteru leaned forward, eyes big and doe-like. "Why do you think I stopped anyone from leaving the hall during the dancing yesterday, hmmm? I even sacrificed the chance to satisfy one of the beauties there with my body! And you still don't trust me?"

Slowly, Kazuichi's eyes widened in surprise. _That's right...even though Teruteru was holdin' some food, it's not like him t'just pass up something like that..._

_Was he really tryin' to help Hajime?_

"Your mistake was trying to get them to satisfy their urges in public, you know! The best way to bring out the flavor of a subtle spice is to turn up the heat and let it simmer until all its passion oozes out at once!"

Kazuichi eyed him dubiously. What he was saying was definitely perverted, but he seemed to know what he was talking about. Some suspicion still lingered in his mind, however. "Why d'you want ta help Hajime?" he asked. A horrifying thought struck him. "Y-you're not goin' to ask for some sort of payment, right?"

Teruteru attempted to smile innocently, but it still looked like the grin of a hungry predator with his eyes on the kill. "Hajime's my friend too, you know! Besides," he murmured, "I'm sure I'll see plenty in return, after all..."

He seriously debated the wisdom of accepting Teruteru's offer for a second. However, he knew he couldn't really afford to turn it down. As things stood now, he was completely stuck. Besides, unlike Saionji, Teruteru hadn't forced him to agree to anything. And, anyways, he was really short. If he came after him, Kazuichi was sure he could manage to outrun him. Or climb a tree. Or something.

"All right, then," he said cautiously. "What did y'have in mind?"

"Isn't it obvious?" The Ultimate Chef rubbed his hands together. "Nothing says romance like an Ultimate Candlelit Dinner...of LOVE!"

For the second time that week, a crack of fortuitous lightning split the night sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The devil is in the details, as they say. Unfortunately for our hero, Teruteru would certainly like to be in more than just the details...


	6. In Which The Way To A Man's Heart May Or May Not Be Through His Stomach (Warning: May Contain Traces Of Nuts.)

As instructed, Kazuichi kept Hajime occupied for a little longer than usual after breakfast. He'd figured he would distract him by whining about Miss Sonia or something - after all, that had pretty much been his entire life for the past several months - but, for some reason, his heart just wasn't in it. Instead, he drew Hajime into a conversation about Saionji's performance. He'd hoped to run a bit of a unit test on his soul friend by asking him how his waltz had gone, but other than a few faint blushes, Hajime had seemed oddly reluctant to provide him with details about his love life.

Slowly, the restaurant began to clear out. Eventually Nekomaru, jogging on the spot, pulled Akane away from a mound of leftover bacon for a few warm-up laps around the island, and he and Hajime were finally left alone.

Taking his cue, Teruteru swooped out of the kitchen, descending on an unsuspecting Hajime. "Mmhmhm, are you two having a bonding moment without me? I'm sure I saw some rope in the kitchen..."

"Morning, Teruteru," Hajime said warily, unobtrusively moving his chair out of reach. "Breakfast was amazing, as usual, if that's what you came to ask about."

"Of course it was! It was made by the Ultimate Chef, after all!" Teruteru's proud smile was quickly replaced with a leer. "I don't normally give away my most sophisticated secrets to just anyone, but if you'd like a private lesson, Hajime, it'd be my duty to oblige-" He caught Kazuichi's frantic shakes of his head out of the corner of his eye. "Jeez, nobody appreciates passion these days," he muttered.

"Hey, didn't ya want to invite Hajime? Ya know, to that _thing?_ " he stressed, trying to steer Teruteru back on tack.

"Ah, yes!" Teruteru's demeanor changed in an instant as he whipped out two small, golden cards from his pocket. "This breakfast is so dull and cliched! Simple food like this doesn't suit someone like me, after all! I've created several new masterpieces, which I'll be debuting at a dinner tonight. You will be coming, of course," he said confidently, handing Hajime one of the cards.

"O-of course," Hajime mumbled, turning the card over in his hands. "This is a really nice invitation, Teruteru."

"The word you're looking for is 'classy!'" The portly man ignored the stares of disbelief both Kazuichi and Hajime sent his way. "I'll look forward to having my creations melt in your mouth tonight, Hajime!"

"...right. A-anyways," Hajime said hurriedly, "that other card's for Kazuichi, right?"

"Oh, this? It's for Nagito," Teruteru waved his hand airily. "You'll give it to him yourself and get him to come quite quickly, I'm sure. I'll just leave this in your hands, then."

Hajime looked at Kazuichi warily. "So...you've already invited everyone else, then?"

"Everyone important has already been invited, yes," Teruteru said, batting his eyelashes insincerely.

"...so you're coming too, right, Kazuichi?"

"Uh...you're totally right, Hajime! I'll be there too, for sure!" He felt a little bad about lying to his soul friend, but it was for a good cause. Besides, technically, he really _would_ be there. He would just be putting his stealth skills to use again inside the kitchen. Teruteru had claimed that he could handle the two men alone, but he'd insisted on being there. Someone had to make sure that the chef didn't go too wildly off course.

"Okay, as long as everyone else is coming," Hajime said, clearly relieved. "I don't know if Nagito's feeling up to another big party right now, though-"

"Whaaaaaaaa?!?" Teruteru shrieked, clutching his head. "I _need_ him! He...he needs to try my dishes! He's the only person who's feedback I don't have yet!"

"Fine, fine! If it's that important to you, I'll make sure he joins us for dinner."

"Oh, good," Teruteru said, instantly calming down. "I'll see the two of you tonight, then." With an exaggerated wink at Kazuichi, he sauntered off into the kitchen.

Hajime turned to him with a worried expression. "Hey, Kazuichi, don't you think there's something a little off about the way he was acting?"

"It's Teruteru, soul friend. He's _always_ actin' off."

"I guess you're right," Hajime sighed. "Anyways, Kazuichi, I wanted to apologize to you."

"Huh? To me?" He scratched his head. "What for?"

"A few nights ago, you were talking about your problems with Sonia, and I was really insensitive about it," he admitted.

"Insensitive?" He tried to think, but all he could remember from that night was the stunning revelation of Hajime's complete obliviousness. "Sorry, Hajime, I don' really remember that."

"You don't?" Hajime looked incredulous. "I mean, I said something pretty thoughtless - you know, about other girls - and then I just kind of stormed off without listening to you..."

He shook his head. "Nope, don't remember!" He flashed Hajime his trademark grin. "So it's all right, then!"

"R-really?"

"Yeah, of course! A tiny argument like that can't stand in the way of soul friendship, after all!" Especially when he really couldn't remember what the argument had been about.

"Thanks, Kazuichi." Hajime smiled in relief. "Did you want to talk about Sonia? We can go to the beach-"

"No!" he said hastily. He had to watch Teruteru - he certainly couldn't let his friend suspect anything about his involvement. "Nah, I'm fine. It's no big deal. Shouldn't you be workin' on gettin' Nagito to show up tonight, anyway?"

"Uh...yeah, I guess I should." Standing up, Hajime clapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, Kazuichi. I don't know if it was anything I said that helped, but...good for you. Really."

"Thanks?" he said, confused. He really didn't know what Hajime was talking about, but since that had been the status quo for the past few months, he wasn't too worried about it.

Taking a deep breath, he gathered his and Hajime's plates and marched after Teruteru into the kitchen. They had a lot of hard work to do before the evening, after all.

***

"...and it was probably the best meat and potato stew I've ever eaten in my life." As he'd predicted, Nagito had been fairly reluctant to attend the dinner. However, he'd reassured him with stories about Teruteru not actually being that bad of a guy, deep down - deep, _deep_ down - and proceeded to describe the dishes that Teruteru had cooked for him as they slowly became friends in an attempt to whet Nagito's appetite. Even though he did his best to bring Nagito meals, he was pretty sure that the other boy wasn't eating nearly enough. He knew that the dining hall probably held bad memories for Nagito - the whole island was basically one giant bad memory, where he was concerned - but he was starting to look a little worryingly thin. Maybe a specially cooked meal by Teruteru would help him overcome his aversion to eating with the rest of them.

"Ah, you care about everyone so much, Hajime," Nagito sighed. 

_Crap!_ he thought, biting his lip. _He didn't buy it!_

"...it's really worthy of the hope that dwells inside you!"

Okay, that wasn't the _worst_ thing Nagito could possibly have said. But it was pretty close.

"Cut it out already, Nagito," he said wearily. "Teruteru really wanted you to come, you know. He invited you specially."

"How very lucky! I seem to be rather popular lately," Nagito mused.

Popular? What did he mean?

...oh. Right. First Koizumi and Saionji had gone out of their way to invite him to their event, and now Teruteru. And Kazuichi was overcoming his fears and opening up to him, as well. He really did feel happy for Nagito - just a few days ago, hadn't he been doing his best to try and help everyone else see that Nagito wasn't someone to be afraid of; that he needed their support and friendship, just like everybody else? But he couldn't get rid of the insidious voice in his head.

_Now that actual Ultimates are talking to him again...why would he even want to hang out around me any more?_

_Unless it's not_ me _who he wants to hang out with..._

_Oh, please,_ Izuru's voice snapped. _This is pathetic, even for you._

_Why do you care?_ he thought back furiously. Of course, Izuru didn't answer.

"Shall we go in, Hajime?" Nagito courteously held the door for him, and the two of them ascended the stairs together, only to stop dead at the sight before them.

"This...this is..."

***

"D'you think it's too much?"

"Pssh, there's no such thing as too much when it comes to me!"

"No, I think it's actually the opposite..."

"Your body just hasn't experienced the thrill of a fresh sirloin yet!"

"Ugh! I don't want ta know-!"

"Ssh! Get back in the kitchen! They're coming!"

***

"Teruteru, this is amazing!" Hajime gasped.

The portly chef smiled proudly from where he stood at the front of the room. The restaurant's lights were off, but the cloth-covered tables pushed up against the walls were adorned with soft-hued candles that bathed the room in a gentle glow, and rose petals lay gracefully scattered over the table in the room's center, twin glasses of champagne already poured and sparkling in the light.

Hang on...rose petals?

"Sit, sit!" Teruteru enthusiastically showed them to the center table, pulling the chairs out for them. "Have a nice, refreshing drink! I'll bring the first course out immediately!"

"Where's everyone else?" Hajime asked suspiciously, sitting down. But Teruteru had already dashed off. Hesitantly, he looked at Nagito, expecting to see an expression of boredom or disappointment. Instead, he was rewarded with a small smile as Nagito twirled the champagne glass in his fingers. Viewed in the light of the tall, pink candle between them, the tips of his hair seemed to shine with a rosy glow. The long, graceful line of his throat stood out in sharp contrast to his dark coat as he took a sip. Hajime's eyes followed the movement of his tongue over his lips.

"It's not poisoned!" Nagito announced cheerfully.

"Wh-what? Poisoned?"

"It's safe to drink," the other boy clarified. Hesitantly, Hajime stared at his glass. He'd never really had too much experience with drinking. Maybe it was best not to start and make a fool of himself while he was with Nagito.

"Your first course this evening!" Teruteru proclaimed, setting two plates before them. "My famous candied walnut and pomegranate salade maison! _See_ the beauty of the pomegranates before you! How they spill their seeds forth all over the plates in luscious, wild abandon!"

Both of them dutifully looked at the pomegranates. Both of them wished that they hadn't.

Nagito frowned at Teruteru. He began to stand. "If you've brought us here alone for some sort of perverted reason-"

"Whaaa? You're leaving before even trying it?" A spark of cunning flashed in Teruteru's eyes, and he smirked at Hajime. "Hajime won't let me down! You're staying, of course, right?"

"Um...right?"

"Mmhmhm...I'll have Hajime _all to myself_ ", Teruteru muttered in a stage whisper. "Nobody to protect him...His body, abandoned to my tender mercies-"

Nagito sat down abruptly, pinning Teruteru with an ice-cold glare. To his credit, Teruteru didn't even flinch, his leer only growing wider. "Oh, I'm so glad you decided to stay! Eat up, you two!" Humming to himself, he disappeared back into the kitchen.

"You're staying?" Hajime sipped his champagne in relief, and tried to tell himself that the warmth he was feeling was from the alcohol.

"I won't leave you alone with him, Hajime," Nagito said seriously. "Wait! Don't eat the food! Let me taste it first!"

"H-hang on, Nagito, you don't need to do that-"

Nagito's eyes widened as he chewed. "As expected of the Ultimate Chef..." Vigorously, he took another bite. "This is really good!"

Hajime grinned, watching Nagito's cheeks puff up like one of Gundham's particularly cute hamsters. "I thought you might like it."

They ate their salad with gusto.

***

"What the hell was that? You nearly scared 'em off!"

"You poor, inexperienced soul. The force of my passion kept them here!"

"Yeah, well, maybe you could 'force your passion' somewhere else! This is a serious Plan here!"

"Fine! I won't say _anything_ next time! I'll let the sensual beauty of my dishes speak for itself!"

"Fine!"

_"Fine!"_

***

Teruteru emerged briskly from the kitchen and, without a word, set two small plates of oysters in a glimmering cream sauce before them. Tiny pearls of caviar swirled suggestively at their centers.

Teruteru turned on his heel and walked back, ignoring Hajime's soft "Um..."

Hajime and Nagito looked at each other. They looked at the oysters.

Before Nagito could protest, Hajime took his first bite. "Not poisoned," he said with a grin. "And also amazing."

"Lucky indeed!" Nagito was also smiling as he dug into his own dish. They ate in silence for a few minutes. "Hajime...perhaps it's selfish of me to say this, but I'm glad that only the two of us showed up."

His heart felt as if it was about to burst out of his chest. "Me too, Nagito. Me too."

Nagito pushed his clean plate away with a contented sigh. "...hey, Hajime, is it just me, or is it getting a little hot in here?"

Hajime frowned, tugging at his collar. "Yeah, it is. I guess Teruteru's got all the ovens on, or something?"

Nagito nodded. "Ahaha! I'm sure that must be it."

***

"Hey, hey, what d'you think you're doing? It's really burnin' up in here!"

"Oh, so _now_ you're talking to me?"

"Don't get distracted! How are Hajime and Komaeda supposed to handle all this heat, anyway?"

"Don't be such a plebian!"

"What the hell's a-"

"It's hot in here, because we're near the ovens. Our two lovebirds are simply feeling pleasantly warm."

"Fine, I'll take your word for it. What is that thing, anyway?"

"They'll have to figure it out themselves, since _someone_ threatened me not to say anything."

"Don't say stupid things! I didn't threaten you!"

"..."

"Okay, fine! Whatever! You can talk again! Just...try an' make it sound like a normal person!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

***

Teruteru cleared away the used plates and returned with a sharing platter. "Port-poached, freshly choked chicken thighs with fresh figs and rosemary," he purred, setting the dish down in front of them before retreating once more.

The two of them stared quietly at the dish in front of them.

Nagito cleared his throat. "Hajime...do you sense a common theme?"

Hajime's shoulders slumped. "I think I do."

"It's probably delicious, though..." Nagito said wistfully.

"I agree with that!" Boldly, he took a bite. "Still not poisoned! Still really good!"

"If you're eating, then I'll eat as well!" Nagito beamed. Both of them dug in heartily. They tried not to look too closely at the figs.

***

"I'm sorry for doubtin' you, Teruteru. Looks like they're havin' a really good time."

"Mmhmhm, it's about to get so much better..."

"W-what d'ya mean? It'd better not be anything perverted!"

"Prude. It's dessert. You _have_ heard of dessert, right?"

"...oh, shut up."

***

It looked as if Teruteru was bringing them their last dish of the evening. Eyes glittering, he bowed as he set their plates in front of them and returned to the kitchen once more, chortling all the way.

Hajime eyed the dessert warily. It looked like a small, innocent, angel tart with the slightest dollop of whipped cream and a large strawberry perched innocuously on top.

He looked up at Nagito, and their eyes met.

"Suspicious..." they both said, in unison.

***

Kazuichi sighed in relief, leaning back against the counter. The dinner had proceeded without incident, which was definitely a plus. Sure, Hajime hadn't hopped into Komaeda's arms just yet. But a date that went well was probably a good start, right?

His eyes widened as Teruteru returned, turning a small bottle in his hands. _Does...does that label say...Love Potion No. 9?_

"What is that?" he hissed, pointing at the bottle.

Teruteru chortled again. "Mmhmhm! It's part of my Plan, obviously!"

"Your Plan?" Horrified, he clutched his head as Teruteru's previous statement surfaced in his brain. 

_I'm sure I'll see plenty in return, after all..._

He grabbed Teruteru's shoulders. "Teruteru, what is in that bottle?"

His suspicions were confirmed as blood began to leak from the chef's nostrils. "Oh, just my secret blend of fourteen heart-throbbing aphrodisiacs! Guaranteed to make _anyone_ stand to attention!"

"You idiot!" He barely remembered to keep his voice down at the last moment, letting out a strangled scream. _"You can't give them that!"_

"What's the problem?" Teruteru frowned. "There's no way anyone can deny their passion after a night in each other's arms, right?"

"You sick pervert," Kazuichi growled. "You're goin' to get back out there right now and stop them from eatin' that dessert, or I...or I..."

"Fine, fine, don't get so upset," Teruteru scowled. "I'm going, already."

"Hurry up, before they actually eat it-" He froze, hearing noises from outside. "Hurry!" He dashed forward, pushing Teruteru through the double doors.

***

The two of them sat in silence for a moment before Nagito frowned. "Do you hear something, Hajime?"

Hajime craned his neck, eyes widening. "Is he..."

They listened to the high-pitched yelping noises from the kitchen as they slowly increased in intensity. Nagito leaned forward, voice deadly serious.

"Hajime. Whatever comes out of that kitchen next... _we must not eat it._ "

Hajime nodded fervently.

After a few more moments, Nagito shrugged. "If there's anyone who should succumb to this poison, it's me!" he said cheerfully.

"What? No, Nagito, stop-"

Nagito plucked the strawberry from the top of the tart and popped it whole in his mouth. A moment later, he made a strangled noise, hands flying to his throat. Hajime gasped, shooting out of his seat. _Was it seriously poisoned-?_

No! Nagito was choking!

Hajime ran behind him, wrapped his arms around Nagito's chest, and executed a perfect Heimlich maneuver, courtesy of Izuru Kamakura's knowledge.

Several things happened in rapid succession.

The strawberry flew from Nagito's throat at exactly the precise angle needed to knock over the candle on their table. The candle took Hajime's mostly-untouched champagne with it.

The table went up in flames.

Teruteru staggered from the kitchen as if he'd been pushed. He shrieked at the sight, stumbling backwards. It seemed as if he'd hit something heavy behind him, as a loud crash sounded from the kitchen, and a cry of "W-Wha?" that sounded weirdly like...Kazuichi?

The fire alarm began to screech, and the sprinklers covered everything in rusty, foul-smelling water.

"K-K-K-" Teruteru stuttered on the floor, clutching his face.

"This...this can't be forgiven," Nagito whispered, head bowed. "My bad luck ruined everything again...I'm sorry, Hajime."

"It's not your fault!" he said vehemently. He looked between Nagito, who had perked up, and the chef flailing around on the floor. "Wh-what do we do now?"

Nagito's fingers wrapped around his wrist. "Run."

"I-is that really okay?" he stammered.

"K-K-KIM KARDASHIAN!" Teruteru shrieked.

"Run," Nagito repeated.

And, after a quick, "Sorry, Teruteru!", he did run. It was a panicked, slapdash run, and they barely missed skidding into the pool in their mad dash. But it was glorious all the same.

After waving good night to Nagito, he entered his cottage, slumped against the door, and dissolved into gales of helpless laughter. He was sure that Nagito was doing the same thing in his own room.

And somehow, he knew that even if the other Ultimates were finally getting along with Nagito, his friendship with the other boy wouldn't disappear. Even if his feelings for the other boy were completely futile, he could still make Nagito happy in his own way. That would have to be enough.

Hajime Hinata went to bed with many misconceptions. But, regardless, he went to bed happier than he'd felt in quite a long time.

***

"I-i-it's impossible," Kazuichi moaned. "How could this even happen?"

Teruteru was still rolling around on the ground, shrieking incoherently.

"Hey, Teruteru?" He poked the chef gently, a little worried. "You okay?"

"RAAAAAGH!" Teruteru screamed, jumping upright. Still screaming, he ran out of the restaurant.

"H-hey, hang on!" Kazuichi called after him. "What d'we do about all this mess?"

The screams gradually grew louder again as Teruteru ran back inside, handed him a mop and bucket, and then ran back out, still screaming as he went.

Kazuichi stared at the mop in his hands, then at the dirty floor and charred lump of what had been a table in the center of the room. Giant globs of candle wax and aphrodisiac-laced angel tart lay scattered semi-artistically across the entire heap.

Sighing, he got to work. Sure, today had failed miserably once again. But tomorrow was another day.

And he knew exactly who to go to for help, this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All in all, this is probably the best possible outcome for any sort of romantic plan involving Teruteru. Although technically, Nagito *did* end up in Hajime's arms, so...


	7. In Which The Plan Is Dead (Long Live The New Plan!)

If anyone noticed the less-than-pristine state of the restaurant in the morning, they were too polite to mention it. Except for Fuyuhiko, of course, whose incredulous "What the fuck?" echoed in the silence until, shaking his head in exasperation, he busied himself with picking out the least-ruined pieces of food he could scavenge for Peko.

It had taken Kazuichi several hours to tidy up the worst of the mess. He'd never really been very good at cleaning - he always kept getting distracted in the middle by something else that needed doing, or seemed more urgent - but he'd done his best. Teruteru had slunk back shortly after his unceremonious exit, shifty-eyed and apparently content to pretend that nothing out of the ordinary had happened. At least, he *was* content until he saw the mess the ancient sprinkler system had created in his kitchen, after which, shrieking and tearing at his hair all the way, he ran right back out again.

They had dry toast for breakfast that morning.

"Don't wanna complain about food," Akane mumbled around a mouthful of bread, "but seriously, where's the meat? Is Teruteru slackin' off today, or somethin'?"

Saionji scowled. "That gross weirdo probably _did_ something in here."

Kazuichi was torn between his desire to defend Teruteru - out of some sense of misplaced loyalty, if nothing else - and the knowledge that he could never, ever admit having been even remotely associated with the Ultimate Chef's horrifying plans. Luckily, he was saved from answering by Hajime's arrival.

Or, rather, he was saved by the simple, yet stunning fact that Komaeda was with him.

_N-no way...if something like_ that _seriously worked, there's definitely no hope in this world..._

Nagito gave the rest of them a hesitant wave. "Ahaha...I guess you're all pretty surprised to see scum like me here-"

"What he means," Hajime said firmly, "is 'good morning.' And he'll be having breakfast with all of us from now on-"

"It's a privilege for me to be basking in all your hopes!"

"-because we're all friends and he'd like to hang out more with us," Hajime translated. He crossed his arms and stared at everyone. "I mean, we're all in this together, right?"

"Yaay, finally!" Saionji cheered, throwing her hands in the air.

Hajime smiled at her in relief. "Thanks, Hiyoko! I'm glad that we'll all get along from now on!"

"Kyahaha! Not as well as you're _getting along_ with Komaeda, of course," Saionji snickered, rubbing her hands together. She was met with blank stares from both boys. "H-huh? Don't tell me...?"

Komaeda's expression didn't change, although Hajime was starting to look slightly uncomfortable.

"Uggh! Seriously, _still?_ I can't believe you guys," she snapped. "Whatever!" With a sniff, she flounced off. Komaeda watched her go with narrowed, thoughtful eyes.

"Come and sit down, Nagito." With a graceful smile, Miss Sonia swept in to handle the situation. "Everyone, let's do our best to move forward together!"

"Gahaha!" Nekomaru laughed enthusiastically. "Now our energy as a team can really shine!"

Although it looked as if Komaeda was going to start apologizing for his bad luck ruining their first breakfast together, Hajime quickly dragged him off to a free seat, and just like that, the tension was broken.

_Amazin' how Miss Sonia and Nekomaru always seem to know the right thing to say,_ Kazuichi thought wistfully. Biting his lip, he revised that statement a little. _Well, most of the time, in Nekomaru's case._

Despite the meager amount of food on offer, Akane and Nekomaru were still among the last to leave. Nekomaru kept bursting up from his chair periodically, shouting about "Too many CAAAAAARBS!" or offering to make Akane some eggs from whatever he could find in the kitchen, but Akane always managed to convince him to sit back down and finish his breakfast.

Sure, neither of them were the most traditional of people, but he supposed there was something pretty romantic about the way they always encouraged each other and expressed themselves to the fullest. When he thought about it, they really brought out the best in each other when they were together.

Maybe some Ultimate Coaching would be just the push that Hajime and Komaeda needed to admit their feelings.

***

"...so that's pretty much what happened up ta now," Kazuichi finished. Both Nekomaru and Akane had been pretty enthusiastic when he'd mentioned that he needed their help for Hajime's sake. He hadn't told them about the disaster that had been asking Teruteru for help, of course, but they'd both nodded along sympathetically as he attempted to explain exactly what the real purpose of Koizumi and Saionji's party had been.

"I don' really get it," Akane admitted. "If Hajime likes Komaeda, shouldn't he just say so? I mean, that's what the old man and I did."

"I don't get it either," Kazuichi sighed. "It's pretty obvious ta everyone else, ya know?"

"Hmmm..." Nekomaru stroked his chin, deep in thought. "A man lacking in confidence...ohhhh!" An intense expression appeared on his face. "I'll do 'it' to him! Then he'll be able to confess with all his body and soul!"

Kazuichi shuddered internally. He knew now that Nekomaru was just talking about massages, but he couldn't help feeling a little scared at the look in the big man's eyes.

"What about Nagito?" Akane asked.

"OHHHHH!" Nekomaru bellowed. "A GREAT QUESTION!!!" He frowned quizzically. "What about Nagito?"

"Well, you said it was obvious, right?" Akane scratched her head. "I get that this stuff might be too deep for Hajime, but Nagito's pretty smart. My gut says he's not the type to miss something like this."

"Hmmm, I see..." Nekomaru nodded sagely. "So we'll get Nagito's voice to reach Hajime, instead!"

"H-Hold on!" he yelped. "How're we supposed to convince Komaeda to do anythin'? The only person he listens to is Hajime!"

"As a team manager, supporting my classmates is my duty!" Nekomaru roared, eyes alight. "A good day of sports will get him to man up, or my name isn't NEKOMARU NIDAIIIIIIIII!"

"Oh, I get it now!" Akane smacked her fist into her palm, grinning wildly. "Hajime an' Nagito just need to have a no-holds-barred fistfight! With all that punchin', they'll have no choice but to confess!"

Surprisingly, Nekomaru shook his head before Kazuichi did. "That sort of sport isn't suited to someone like Nagito," he said gravely. "His analytical mind, his natural inclination towards stealth over strength...these traits are more useful for game strategists. He's used to either supporting his teammates from the sidelines or directing the flow of the game himself."

"So it's impossible," he said glumly, scuffing at the dirt with his feet. "We'll have ta concentrate on Hajime-"

"NOTHING is impossible!" Nekomaru countered. He nodded to himself. "An activity Nagito would be good at - one that wouldn't require a team - can you guess it?"

"An eatin' contest!" Akane cheered.

"No!" Kazuichi clutched his head, trying vainly to stifle his tears. "No food...n-never again..."

"Hm, it's true that eating contests don't need a team," Nekomaru said, nodding. "But there's one sport that will really make Nagito's blood tingle! I'm talking about AXE THROWIIIIING!"

"Gaaaaah!" he screamed. That was even worse than the previous idea! "D-don't say stuff like that! You want to give _Komaeda_ a weapon like that?" An even more horrifying thought struck him. "You want to give _Hiyoko Saionji_ an axe?"

"I guess that makes sense," Akane said. "None of us have done it before, so we'll all start off the same. And Komaeda's luck oughta help him, but nobody else's talents would help, right?"

"Exactly!" Nekomaru beamed approvingly. "Strength isn't needed for a light axe! All you need is DETERMINATIONNNNNN! And a love of bladed WEAPONRYYYYY!"

"All right! Now I'm getting pumped up!"

"Stop! Stop!" He waved his arms desperately in front of Nekomaru's face. "Can't ya tell how many things are wrong with that just by sayin' it? What're we goin' ta do if someone gets hit with an axe?"

"Stop whinin', Kazuichi!" Akane draped an arm around his shoulder. "We'll ask Mikan to be there, too!"

"Th-that's not..." How was he supposed to explain it to these two? "It's an axe! No matter what, it's too dangerous!"

Solemnly, Nekomaru leaned down until he was on Kazuichi's level. "Kazuichi...I made a promise when we were trapped in that place together. Do you remember? I promised that I wouldn't let anyone else get hurt...that I would protect my team with all of my might." He waited until Kazuichi nodded before continuing. "I wasn't able to keep my promise then," he said, voice lower and sadder than Kazuichi had ever thought it could get. "But! As the Ultimate Team Manager, I won't let anyone get hurt by a game that I'm coaching! I'll handle everythiiiing! SO LEAVE IT TO MEEEEEEE!"

_Whoa. I-I know I shouldn't...but I kinda believe in those words..._

Feebly, he made one last attempt to stop him. "Where're we goin' ta get all this stuff, anyway? D'ya seriously think the Future Foundation is going ta sign off on sending us a whole shipment of axes?"

"Gahaha! Have you seen our requisition repoooorts?" Nekomaru shook his head indulgently. "If they can send Teruteru an express-delivered bottle of 'Ultimate Love Potions' for what he described as 'personal reasons', they'll definitely send us anything we ask!"

Kazuichi's jaw dropped. He tried to speak, but barely any sound came out. "That-that pervert..."

"Speak up!" Nekomaru bellowed. "It's important to project your voice like a maaaaan!"

Like a man. That was right. He had to man up and support his soul friend - even if it meant facing down Komaeda! Who was starting to not seem all that bad in comparison, actually.

"Whatever!" he yelled, trying to match the coach's volume. His voice squeaked a little, but from Akane and Nekomaru's proud smiles, it was apparently the effort that counted. "I mean, hell yeah! Let's do it!"

As Akane whooped with glee, a fleeting thought crossed his mind. _What if this was a terrible, terrible mistake?_

...Nah. Nekomaru and Akane were probably right. After all, this couldn't possibly be any worse than Teruteru's schemes.

And with that, he happily quashed his misgivings and celebrated the rise of their new Plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure this is going to go splendidly! After all, what could possibly go wrong with a plan like this? (Other than literally everything, of course!)


	8. In Which Resistance Is Futile (Sometimes Silence Is Worth A Thousand Words)

As it turned out, there were some things the Future Foundation drew a line at, after all. And an entire shipment of throwing axes, hammers, and plywood ('FOR TARGETS!' Nekomaru had roared enthusiastically), requisitioned for 'personal reasons', was one of them.

Kazuichi was secretly pretty relieved. He figured that this was proof that Komaeda wasn't the only lucky one out of all of them. Still, this meant that they would have to adjust their grand plan.

Luckily, Nekomaru was more than up to the task. Unluckily, his new idea still sounded terrifying beyond all reason.

“Damnit…there’s seriously a game like that?” he groaned, clutching his head. He considered asking if Nekomaru really thought it was a good idea for all of them – the former Ultimate Despairs – to play a game called ‘Assassin’ as a group. Then again, considering that his previous idea had involved the equivalent of giving a bunch of five-year-olds specially sharpened scissors, maybe this game really was an improvement?

Akane shrugged. “So we’ll call it ‘Parkour’ instead!” She grinned at him. “You don’t hafta worry so much, Soda! Coach Nekomaru’s idea’ll be just as good as the axe throwing, just wait and see!”

“That’s kinda what I’m worried about…”

Akane scratched her ear. “Huh? What didja say?”

“N-nothing!”

“A name can’t stand in the way of a truly magnificent idea!” Nekomaru slapped Akane and Kazuichi on the back, sending him staggering. “LET’S DO IIIIIIIIIT!” 

“So how is this going ta work?” Kazuichi asked cautiously. “How’re we goin’ to get Komaeda to play?”

“With an offer he can’t refuuuuuse! The chance to confess, of course!”

“Huh?” both he and Akane said simultaneously.

“When he wins the GAAAAAME!”

“When?” Akane frowned. “Hey, whaddya mean? We’re gonna rig the game?”

Lightning seemed to crackle in a halo around Nekomaru’s head. “This is no mere gaaame! This is an epic battle to unleash Hajime and Nagito’s true power! Sacrifices MUST BE MADE!”

“I trust you, old man!” Kazuichi took a step back as Akane’s eyes began to gleam. “Let’s hurry up and make this thing happen!”

Nekomaru nodded. “Kazuichi! We’ll be counting on your help!”

“M-me?” This was the first time he’d actually been included in any of his Plans! He hadn’t really been able to do much to prevent the other two incidents’ catastrophic failure states, but maybe he could actually help this time. Instantly, he felt a whole lot better about the whole thing. “What d’ya need me to do? I’ll definitely do my very best!”

“Wonderful!” Nekomaru bellowed. “All we need is one more person, and success will be guaranteed!”

“Someone else is gonna help us?” Akane asked. “Who?”

Nekomaru’s shout echoed throughout the clearing. “BYAKUYA TWOGAAAAAAMIIIIIIIIIIIIII!”

***

“…so, the rules are pretty simple! Even I get them!” Akane finished her explanation with a bright smile. Kazuichi snuck a quick look around at his fellow conspirators. With everyone gathered at breakfast, it had been easy to propose the game. The hard part would be getting their former classmates to agree to it.

“I…don’t think that’s how parkour normally works,” Hajime said with a puzzled frown.

“U-um…h-h-how do we know if someone’s been caught?” Mikan ventured timidly. She hid her face as everyone turned to look at her. “Eeeeek! I’m sorry…I’m so stupid-“

Saionji rolled her eyes. “Uggh, I can’t believe a nasty weakling like you actually managed to kill me.” An evil grin appeared on her face. “Kehehe! Maybe I’ll get you this time!”

“Hey, cut that out!” Kazuichi snapped. Mikan was right – Akane’s explanation hadn’t exactly been the most coherent. Besides, Saionji shouldn’t be allowed to bully her like that. He hurried over towards the tearful nurse, pulling out a badge from his pocket. “Don’ worry, Mikan! We didn’t explain that part yet.”

Koizumi caught on quickly, elbowing her girlfriend. “So Nekomaru gives each one of us another person’s name, and we just have to find that person and…” She craned her neck to get a better look at what Kazuichi was carrying. “And take their badge?”

“Well, kinda!” He grinned at her and Mikan. “I made these just for this game, ya know! Nekomaru will pin these on everyone’s shoulder. All you have ta do is press it a little firmly-“ He demonstrated with the badge he was holding. “-and it changes color from green t’red.”

“It’ll turn red if ya unpin it, too!” Akane added, smacking her fist into one hand. “So if anyone tries t’cheat, I won’t even hafta pulverize them!”

“Y-yeah, that too. Plus,” he added, “if you manage to hit your target’s button, their target becomes your new target.”

“Yeah, yeah, and whoever gets the most targets wins in the end,” Fuyuhiko said impatiently. “What’re we supposed to be winning, though?” He looked from Nekomaru to Akane, scowling. “It’d better not be a fucking training session or something lame like that.”

“Eh? What’s that? TRAINING IS NEVER LAAAAAAAME!” Nekomaru roared. “But if that’s not enough to stir your manly spirit, there’s one more prize! The winner gets to ask anyone they want to do them an ultimate favoooooor! Anything they want most in the world!”

“Mmhmmhmm…any favor…” Teruteru whispered gleefully.

"Any favor..." Komaeda repeated thoughtfully, humming to himself. Suddenly, his eyes lit up. "Ahaha! Of course, that would be just my luck! I'd be happy to satisfy anyone's hopes!" He frowned. "Except possibly Teruteru's."

“Any favor _within reason,_ ” Kazuichi said hurriedly, ignoring Teruteru’s disappointed sigh.

"I'm sure it'll be all right, then!" Komaeda's smile was slightly less terrifying than usual. "When do we start?"

Nekomaru brandished several folded slips of paper in his hands, grinning widely. "In one hourrrrrrr!"

***

At a safe distance from Komaeda and Hajime, hidden behind a convenient mass of shrubbery, Kazuichi whispered their location as quietly as he could into his communicator.

Nekomaru had asked him to make not only badges for the game, but also four small walkie-talkies, enabling the four co-conspirators to carry out their plans. Akane, who had been given Nagito's name, would use her immense speed to evade any pursuers until the right time came for her to be caught. The Ultimate Team Manager, with the aid of several complicated graphs and plans that looked crazier to Kazuichi than any sort of wiring diagram, was co-ordinating the entire thing while monitoring the other participants, while Kazuichi, with his stalking skills, had been assigned to watch over Hajime and Komaeda.

And Twogami? Well, his job was the most important of all.

Twogami was going to ensure that Komaeda would win this game.

***

At first, parkour - was this seriously what Akane had meant when she said she'd done parkour as a kid? Her childhood had already been pretty awful, but this somehow made it seem even worse - had looked to Hajime like a last-man-standing sort of game. Which kind of precluded the idea of forming teams.

But after Fuyuhiko, cackling maniacally, had promptly paired up with Peko and run off with a cry of "You're all going down, bastards!", it had seemed more prudent to try and find a partner.

Koizumi and Saionji had gone off together, as had Sonia and Gundham. Twogami had disappeared shortly after Nekomaru's announcement - how did someone as large as he was move so fast? - leaving Ibuki to shrug and cheerfully wander off on her own. Teruteru ran off futilely after Akane, leaving him and Nagito alone once again.

"I've got Sonia," Hajime said, showing Nagito his strip of paper. "Who did you get?"

"Hajime, you may be the Ultimate Hope, but you shouldn't give away your trust so easily!" Nagito scolded. "After all, _you_ could be my target!"

"I'm not the Ultimate - never mind," he sighed. "So _am_ I your target?"

"Not in this game," the other boy said brightly.

Hajime's heart skipped a beat. _What does he mean...?_ But Nagito had already unfurled his own paper, and held it out towards him. His heart sunk again as he saw Fuyuhiko's name printed in blocky letters.

"Ahaha! I guess it looks like I'm unlucky again, huh?" Nagito laughed.

"Yeah, that's pretty bad," Hajime agreed sympathetically. "Maybe we should go after Sonia first, then?"

Nagito tilted his head to one side. "We?"

"If you're just going to put yourself down, don't," Hajime snapped. Nagito's eyes widened, and he cursed internally. _Crap! I said something wrong again! Was I too harsh?_ He backpedaled furiously. "I-I mean, uh...you're probably really good at stuff like this! Since you're so analytical and good at predicting people's actions! And you're good at setting up-"

_Traps,_ he almost said, but for a moment, the tortured scream locked onto Nagito's face as they found him in the warehouse flashed through his brain. His mind whited out for a second; his stomach lurched with horror. _I have to protect him. I can't ever let him feel despair like that again._

"...good at stuff. And things," he finished lamely.

Nagito's smile was soft and small. "You really are a kind person, Hajime." He stretched languidly, smile widening into something conspiratorial. "Since you've put your faith in me, I won't let you down, Hajime!"

"R-right! So, we'll focus on Sonia?"

But Nagito shook his head. "Gundham will be more focused on protecting Sonia than he is on himself. The advantage of having someone like Fuyuhiko as a target is that he's the confrontational one in his partnership. Which means that Peko, as the risk-taker, will eventually be forced into a position where she'll have to choose between defending herself or defending him."

"What do we do now, then?" Hajime asked, half to Nagito and half to Izuru. _I don't suppose we have an Ultimate Psychologist hanging out in our brain?_ He imagined he heard a faint snort of disgust from Izuru in response, but it could have been his imagination.

"Now?" Nagito's eyes glittered with cunning. "Now...we wait."

And so they'd concealed themselves in one of the deepest alcoves they could find in Jabberwock Forest. And they waited. And waited.

Until, finally, a soft 'ping' from the badges on their shoulders signaled the start of the game.

***

"I can't believe I got that disgusting midget pig," Hiyoko growled. She and Mahiru had been lurking inside their photography studio, plotting furiously. "At least it's better than the trashy pig bi-uh, Mikan." She snickered to herself. "You could just wait for her to trip herself-"

_Ping!_

"Mahiru-chan, it's started! Let's go get that-"

_-click-_

Hiyoko gaped incredulously at her red badge. "Huuuuh? M-Mahiru-chan?" She screwed up her face, trying to hide the hurt she felt with a torrent of mostly fake tears. "Y-you lied to me!"

"I'd never do that!" Mahiru declared. She wiped Hiyoko's eyes gently with her thumbs. "I said I got the worst possible option on the whole island, remember?"

Hiyoko scowled. "I...I thought you meant...I mean, that girl's obviously the worst! She's dangerous! She-she killed me just because I was in her way!"

Mahiru's arms encircled her. "You're the worst possible option because I'm in love with you, silly."

"Oh." Hiyoko sniffed. "I-I knew that already!" She buried her face in Mahiru's chest. "But that's all right, then."

"I know," Mahiru said softly. "Listen, Hiyoko-chan...we've all done bad things. So many bad things that I can't even bear to face them. But we're finally doing better now. We're surrounded by everyone's smiling faces, so let's try to do our best and get along with everyone! All right?"

"E-even Mikan?"

"Even Mikan."

Hiyoko sighed. "Uggh. I'll miss making fun of her. She's such an easy target. But if Mahiru-chan is asking...I'll do it."

Mahiru's smile was beautiful. It was a shame that there weren't more pictures of her on their collage.

"I'm proud of you, Hiyoko-chan."

"I know that, too!" Perking up, she fished her scrap of paper from the pocket of her kimono. "So, Mahiru-chan, do you want to go after Teruteru now?"

"I could," Mahiru said unenthusiastically. "Or we could barricade the doors and have a nice date night in, instead."

"Yaaay! You always have the best ideas, Mahiru-chan!" Hiyoko bounced off. "I'm going to go get the camera!"

"For what?" Mahiru laughed.

"To take pictures of you smiling, silly!"

**Students remaining: 12**

***

Stretched out on the roof of the library, peering through the tines of his makeshift sling as intensely as he would the sights of a sniper rifle, Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu waited.

Peko had scoped out his target easily enough, although she'd been unable to find Sonia or Gundham on their current island. They were probably cavorting with a bunch of fucking bunnies in the middle of the fucking forest, or something, he thought sourly. There was no way they were going over there - not yet, anyways. From his and Peko's position, they had a good view of optimal docking sites for the inter-island boats, as well as a clear view of anyone stupid enough to come down the main road.

Luckily, his target wasn't the sort to take things seriously.

"Ready or not, here Ibuki-chan comes!" The target's voice was surprisingly melodious, unlike the sonic-weapon-grade screaming shit she usually busted out in concerts. He adjusted the hand mirror at his side, signaling Peko to hold her position against the side of a small building. He could handle this! Peko didn't need to put herself in danger for him any more.

The Ultimate Yakuza drew back his sling, exhaling steadily. _One. Two. Three._

The tiny pebble he'd loaded as ammunition launched perfectly, arcing in the air as it streaked down towards the girl skipping down the street. With a soft click, it hit her button perfectly, turning its soft green glow into a bright red light.

"Gyaaaaah! Ibuki got whacked, and she didn't even see it coming! SO METAL!" she shrieked. Wincing, Fuyuhiko clamped his hands over his ears with a hissed curse. Ibuki zoomed in on him, shading her eyes with a hand as she waved enthusiastically at him. "Ohhh! Fuyuhiko-chan! That. Was. So. COOOOOL!"

"Stop yelling!" he shouted at her.

"But Fuyuhiko-chan is yelling, too!"

Yeah, sure, but his yells weren't piercing enough to shatter the fucking library windows. "Just get up here quick, before someone else spots you! I need to know your target?"

"Ohhhh, what's that? Ibuki-chan's target? I don't mind telling you!" Ibuki's volume was loud enough for people on the next island to hear. "IT'S PEKO-CHAN!"

He froze, catching Peko's eye from where she was leaning against the building wall, far below him. The Ultimate Swordswoman gave him a soft, heart-stopping, amazingly fucking real smile, and he gaped at her like the lovey-dovey idiot he was for just a second.

Then she melted into the shadows like a wisp of smoke, and was gone.

..."Fuck."

**Students remaining: 11**

***

"Fuyuhiko and Peko are split up! GOOO, TWOGAMI!"

"...there's no need to shout." The voice was Peko's. The mannerisms were Peko's. The figure was Peko's, if she'd weighed 150 pounds more and had squeezed herself into an ungodly amount of Spanx and held it together with twine and prayers.

The Ultimate Imposter allowed Fuyuhiko to catch a glimpse of their hair and the bamboo sword strapped to their back from time to time before breaking into a run. Fuyuhiko wasn't quite fast enough to catch them. 

After all, Fuyuhiko wasn't fast enough to catch Peko Pekoyama. And they were Peko Pekoyama, now.

Pektwoyama allowed themselves to snap a twig or two as they ran conspicuously past Hajime and Nagito's hiding place. "As expected from young master Fuyuhiko - but I won't let him catch up to me," they murmured melodramatically.

From their hiding spot, the two boys exchanged a meaningful glance.

_Luck,_ Nagito mouthed.

Hajime smiled back at him.

***

Fuyuhiko rounded the next tree cautiously, sling held out protectively in front of him. Why did forests have to have so many fucking trees? And why was Peko-

"Fuyuhiko, help!" Hajime, arms waving frantically, stepped out almost directly in front of him. He spun half-back, angling his shoulder away from Hajime.

"Hajime, what the fu-"

_-click-_

Nagito waved cheerfully from behind him. "Ah, sorry, Fuyuhiko!"

"Komaeda, what the actual fuck? Are you fucking kidding me?!"

But the red button on his shoulder was enough of an answer.

**Students remaining: 10**

***

They broke cover only briefly, checking their surroundings as they moved in the direction Peko had gone.

"Do you think she'll try to stay on the move?" Hajime whispered as he ducked under a branch.

Nagito shook his head. "Now that she's no longer bound to Fuyuhiko, she'll have gone after her target immediately. As expected of the Ultimate Swordswoman!"

Hajime had tried asking Fuyuhiko who Peko's target had been, but he'd been too busy cursing to pay any attention to them. It would be pretty difficult to catch up to her, in normal circumstances. But after all, they had luck - and hope - on their side!

He smiled crookedly to himself. Nagito...really was rubbing off on him, huh?

The long, elegant fingers of Nagito's outstretched hand stopped him from moving any further. Hajime gaped at the sight before him.

Peko stood, bamboo sword drooping dangerously from her hand, facing a row of four hamsters with determined expressions and puffed-up cheeks. Behind them, Gundham Tanaka stood, arms crossed and laughing uproariously. 

"Kehehe! You dare to challenge the Supreme Overlord of this world? Foolish soul! The Four Dark Devas of Destruction will send your spirit spiraling into the very depths of hell from whence I came!"

Of course. There was no way Peko would ever hurt a cute, fluffy animal. Gundham was probably the worst possible target she could have gotten, in that sense.

His eyes widened as he saw what Nagito was doing. "Nagito, wha-"

The other boy squinted at Peko, haphazardly aiming the sling he'd plucked from Fuyuhiko's dazed hands. "I'm trusting in my luck, Hajime!"

"Let me do it!" He didn't realize he'd spoken out loud until Nagito raised an eyebrow at him. "I-I've got the Ultimate Baseball Player and the Ultimate Physicist somewhere in here...that's probably gotta help, right?"

"Amazing, Hajime!" Nagito cheered. "To have someone like you agree to be my tool...I'm truly lucky!"

_His...tool?_ Blushing furiously, Hajime stretched out his hands. "Just give me the sling, Nagito!" _Izuru, please, please, please come through..._

He aimed. He fired. The band of the sling snapped clean through.

And, miraculously, Peko's badge turned red, with a soft click.

_I...I actually did it?_

"You did it, Hajime!" Nagito's face was radiant with joy, even more handsome than usual.

The sword fell from Peko's hands with a clatter. "I...I was defeated..." She brightened up immediately. "I am no longer your enemy! Tanaka-san...may I...pet the fluffy ones?"

"Hmph...I suppose even the forces of Pandaemonium must be groomed from time to time..." He stiffened. "Fuhahaha! The endless machinations of hell are unable to fool one who has been forged in its fires! Your nearby assassin is my new enemy!"

Her eyes narrowed to slits, Peko instantly took up her sword once more. "...I won't let anyone hurt anything fluffy."

"Ahaha, there's no need for that!" Nagito smiled disarmingly as he walked out of the forest, empty hands outstretched. "It looks like my good luck was bad luck for you, Peko! But, as always, I'm on the side of hope...so I would happily duel Gundham alone, if need be! You would take care of the Dark Devas, of course, wouldn't you?"

"So...I could still pet them?" A tentative smile appeared on Peko's face, and she sheathed her sword again. "That is acceptable to me."

"I accept your challenge, foolish mortal!" Gundham began tracing occult symbols on the ground, hands weaving in a complicated array of mystical signs. "By the Heavenly Mother of the Supernova, outcast to the fourth Circle of Hell! By the rings of the demon-"

Nagito walked up to him in the middle of his chanting, neatly sidestepped an errant elbow, and tapped him on the shoulder. His badge turned scarlet with a soft click.

"..."

"Uh...I'm sure these things take some time to set up, Gundham," Hajime attempted to console him.

"Th-this pressure..." Gundham mumbled. "The tension of unresolved words in the air...of oblivious oblivion...Gaaaaaah! I was unable to overcome this freezing aura of despair!"

"My Dark King!" Sonia rushed towards him. "Nagito's occult power is truly quite fearsome! Are you all right?"

Gundham's features softened. "My Dark Queen...warlocks like us need not feel any fear! Together, we can overcome even the gatekeepers of hell themselves!"

"Hell yeah!" Sonia cheered, taking his hands in hers. "I do not think that this game will be as much fun without a partner. Shall we go to the restaurant instead for some afternoon tea?"

"Fuhahaha! A brilliant plan worthy of a supreme sorceress!"

"H-hang on!" Hajime felt a little bad for asking, but figured that it probably wouldn't hurt. "Actually, Sonia, I got you as a target...if you're not playing any more, would it be all right if I-"?

"Of course! I'm always happy to help my friends!" Smiling, Sonia gracefully pressed her own button. The couple cheerfully handed over their slips of paper and walked off, arms linked, towards the restaurant alongside an enchanted Peko.

"I've got Twogami," Hajime said glumly, staring at his piece of paper. "He could be anywhere, or anyone, by now. What about your target, Nagito?"

Nagito sighed. "The Ultimate Gymnast, Akane Owari...our simple tactics won't be as effective against her."

"No, that's wrong! There's no way we can catch up to her," Hajime said. "But since she's probably running along the beach as usual-"

"Ah! Are you thinking the same thing as me, Hajime?"

The two of them smiled at each other. No matter what, they had a plan. 

**Students remaining: 7**

***

Surprisingly, it wasn't Akane they found first, but a decidedly rumpled-looking Twogami, their usually immaculate hair out of place and their glasses askew.

"Hmph...if you've come to seek me out, you're too late," they said in a disgruntled tone. Hajime's eyes widened in surprise at the sight of the red badge on their shoulder. 

"Twogami? Did Sonia already-?"

"If you must know," Twogami said in a dignified tone, nose in the air, "I was taking off my jacket in preparation for a truly magnificent meal, and the strain activated my button."

Hajime really tried desperately not to laugh. He must not have succeeded, as Twogami's nose rose even higher. "Hmmph."

"Who was your target, if we may ask?" Nagito asked politely.

Twogami's left hand - their right hand happily buried in a packet of potato chips - rose to point unerringly at Hajime. "Him."

"Huh...looks like I'm in a closed loop, then," Hajime said, shrugging. "You'll be ahead of me for sure."

"Ah...I'm sorry, Hajime," Nagito said dejectedly. "It's probably because you're with me-"

"Didn't I already tell you to stop that! I actually really enjoy being your tool!" Hajime realized that Twogami was staring at the two of them, eyebrows raised, and hastily snapped his mouth shut.

"I rather enjoy it too," Nagito hummed, voice velvet-smooth. "Let's hurry and get Akane, Hajime. Your face is so red...it isn't good for you to be out in the sun for so long."

"R-right! Bye, Twogami!" Hajime rushed out, following Nagito.

Once they were safely out of earshot, Twogami, shaking their head, signaled Akane through the walkie-talkie. "The two of them are on their way towards you, Akane. I do not intend to dismiss their feelings, or your plan, but...are you sure they will actually manage to confess?"

"I dunno, but we'll hafta hope that they do!"

Twogami sighed, returning back to the infinite delights of Frito-Lays. "...I suppose that will have to do."

**Students remaining: 6**

***

Hajime and Nagito, their arms laden with packets of beef jerky, staggered along the beach. Soon enough, they were rewarded by the sight of a salivating Akane rushing towards them.

"Yo! Didja seriously bring me food?"

"It's all to bolster your ultimate fighting spirit, Akane!" Nagito said, smiling.

"You're the best, Nagito!" she said enthusiastically, reaching for the food. He took a step back, still smiling.

"You can have it all...if you let me press that button first, of course."

"Huh? This? Oh, sure!" Akane leaned in obediently and allowed Nagito to activate her badge. As soon as his hand left her shoulder, she instantly grabbed several sticks of jerky at once, wolfing them down.

"Ser's'ly, y'guys're th'best!" she mumbled, jerky muffling her words. "Oh, and y're my target, N'gito. C'n'gratulations."

"Another closed loop?" Hajime asked. Nagito just beamed at him.

"It doesn't matter, Hajime! With this, nobody else can take me out of the game - and it's impossible for anyone to get more targets than me, now. So I've won!"

"That's great, Nagito!" he said sincerely. "Congratulations!"

"Thank you, Hajime," Nagito said solemnly. He leaned in closer, and Hajime was suddenly very aware of the few strands of wind-blown pale hair tickling his face. "Hajime...I'd like to ask that favor of you."

"S-sure," he stammered. _It's just like the last time...could this really be-?_ "Anything."

"Would you, Hajime..." Nagito paused briefly. "...continue to be my friend, no matter what?"

Hajime's brain broke, again. "Wh--wha," he said intelligently. "But I'm already your friend! Why are you asking that?"

"Hajime, I know that you were asked to take care of me after I woke up from my pod," Nagito said. "Ahaha - it was a foregone conclusion! Nobody else wanted the job, after all! But now that your efforts to get the rest of the Ultimates to be friends with me have paid off...you'll still be my friend, right?"

There were so many things in that statement to unpack that Hajime didn't even know where to begin. He settled for the one that had been a constant thorn in his side since he first woke from the simulation. "Nagito...you know I'm not an Ultimate, right? In the end, I'm just a reserve course student..."

Nagito frowned, puzzled. "But you are an Ultimate, Hajime. You turned out to be the Ultimate Hope, after all."

It was ironic. Upon hearing that, all of Hajime's hopes and dreams crashed and burned, shattering somewhere in the depths of the hells that Gundham was always talking about.

"...sure, Nagito. I'll be your friend." He did his best to make his voice sound normal, fighting down the cold feeling in his stomach. After all, what other choice did he have?

***

Groaning, Kazuichi smacked his forehead against the glass of the beach house from which he'd been spying on yet another aborted love confession. Seriously, _why_ was it so difficult to just come out and say it? He frowned. _An' why did Hajime look so weird when Komaeda said that stuff about hope? He's always sayin' things like that...isn't he?_

"Eeeeeeeek!"

"Gaaaaah!" He leaped nearly a foot in the air, visions of his last encounter with Teruteru flashing through his mind, before he caught sight of the figure huddled in the corner. "M-Mikan?" His eyes flickered to the green badge on her shoulder before, shrugging, he shoved his hands in his pockets. "What're ya doin' here?"

"I-I'm sorry," she whimpered. "I came here to hide, and...and I saw you watching Hajime..."

He sighed. "Okay, I'll tell ya the truth. Basically, I'm tryin' to get Hajime and Komaeda to finally confess their love for each other."

"O-oh!" Her eyes widened. "S-s-so that's why you were doing all those things b-before?"

"Yeah." He sighed again, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "But I don't get it, ya know? Nothin' we do seems to work! It's like there's some sorta block preventing them from realizin' it..."

"Th-they're always by each other's side," Mikan mused, almost to herself. "If one of them were injured, badly, so that they needed the other - so that they'd never be able to leave the other..."

Kazuichi shook his head. "Nah, I don't think that's it. There's some other reason why Hajime isn't goin' for it - I just don't know why. And besides," he added, "that sort of idea wouldn't work, anyways."

"H-huh?" Mikan's eyes widened. "Why not?"

He shrugged. "I mean, I guess you'd be in debt to the person takin' care of you. But love's supposed ta be about respect, ya know? I think it's more important to respect other people." If only he'd known that when he'd met Sonia, he wouldn't have acted so stupidly around her. "Without that, ya can't ever really be in love!"

"O-oh." Mikan looked down at the floor. "I d-didn't know that."

"It's okay," he said. "Neither did I, before."

She gave him a tentative smile. "K-Kazuichi, your badge...i-i-it's still green..."

"Huh? Oh, yeah," he shrugged. "I guess I got lucky, or somethin'. How about you? Who did you get?"

"K-K-Koizumi," she said. "I was t-too scared to l-l-look for her, though." She sounded a little ashamed. "I-I was just so scared of g-g-getting caught...H-how about you?"

He looked at her face closely, then waved his hand carelessly. "Ah, I guess I chickened out too." Mikan brightened up a little. "Hey, d'you wanna go get some food? All this runnin' and hidin' made me pretty hungry!"

"Okay," she said shyly. "I-I'd like that."

They left the building together, laughing happily now that the tension of the game was complete. As they passed a trash bin, Kazuichi palmed his piece of paper and slipped it inside.

A piece of paper with the name 'Mikan Tsumiki' written on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Hajime. Oh, Nagito. You beautiful idiots. (And oh, Kazuichi. Sometimes, he can actually be a pretty reliable guy. Sometimes.)
> 
> Coming up next chapter: a much-needed dose of introspection. Of course, I make no promises about the conclusions reached from said introspection. Consider yourselves warned!


	9. In Which Many Misapprehensions Are Made (And One Accurate Revelation)

Chin resting in his hands, Hajime watched the waves recede from the shore.

It was the middle of the night, but he'd found himself unable to sleep. He'd come to the beach in hopes of relaxing - clearing his mind - but all he could think of was the one thing he shouldn't. Somewhere near here, Nagito had held his hand out to him as he'd woken up on an unfamiliar shore. Over there, his mouth had drooped in dismay as an abnormally large wave destroyed the elaborate sandcastle they had worked on for the past half an hour.

_"It's okay," he'd said. "We'll build another one."_

_"Ahaha, you're so hopeful! Don't you know, Hajime? When some things are broken, you really can't fix them."_

Had he really said that? Hajime frowned.

It didn't matter, anyway. The next day had been Twogami's party, and everything really had broken apart. Like Nagito had said, there were some things that couldn't be fixed. Even the real Ultimate Hope wouldn't have been able to salvage anything from Nagito's wild eyes, or his hysterical laughter. His long, pale fingers, bone-white with the strain of gripping the trial podium, whose touch Hajime could still feel tingling against his wrist.

It had been Izuru who fixed the pods. Izuru who had halted the spread of the frontotemporal dementia ravaging Nagito's brain, although he'd displayed slightly more irritation than usual at his inability to do anything for the neurons that had already atrophied. What had Hajime Hinata really done, besides what anyone else could have if they'd actually wanted to?

He closed his eyes, shaking his head harshly. No. He'd already faced all the despair the world had to offer, and he'd overcome it. He'd chosen to move on, with his friends, and create a brighter future. And together, they had. He wasn't Izuru Kamukura any more.

But neither was he the same Hajime Hinata, either.

And that was the problem, wasn't it?

It was Izuru Kamukura that Nagito was really in love with. Izuru, who had no positive emotions whatsoever and was completely incapable of feeling anything but mild contempt for people. In fact, the greatest compliment that Hajime had ever heard him give was a grudging _"Not completely terrible. Surprising."_ in response to a modification Kazuichi had proposed as they worked on repairing the pods.

Hajime sighed again. Izuru was the Ultimate Analyst as well, wasn't he? Just because Izuru had less emotional intelligence than one of Gundham's hamsters didn't mean that Hajime couldn't try to apply his own feelings to the problem at hand. Being afraid of the answers he would get wasn't a good enough excuse any more.

All right, then. Here were the facts of the case, as he understood them.

He _wanted_ Nagito to be in love with plain, ordinary Hajime Hinata. Nagito _thought_ he was in love with Hajime Hinata, but in reality, he was actually in love with Izuru's talent, because Hajime had seen exactly how he had behaved when he'd found out that Hajime was just a reserve course student.

And, every time he'd tried to even slightly suggest to Nagito that he wasn't really the Ultimate Hope - that Izuru Kamukura was actually a separate entity who had taken up residence in his head like the Ultimate Uninvited Guest - Nagito hadn't even been willing to consider the idea.

What *would* happen if he actually stopped to think about it? Would he still want to be Hajime's friend? Or would he insist on talking to Izuru, if he knew that he still existed and hadn't just merged personalities with Hajime as he'd claimed?

Sure, he had loads of _knowledge_ now. It was Izuru's knowledge, really. But it wasn't the same as having a talent. A talent was something innate, which defined a person at a fundamental level. Sonia couldn't simply stop being regal, even when she was misusing slang words and chanting weird stuff with Gundham. Peko and Fuyuhiko might have been technically retired, but their mannerisms and personalities were perfectly shaped by their talents. Hajime had simply had several doctorates worth of stuff forcibly shoved into his brain by a bunch of people who really should have known better. It was useful, but it wasn't essential to him. He was grateful he had access to it, since it had helped his friends, but if it were to all disappear tomorrow, he wouldn't be that disappointed.

Nagito would be, though. 

It wasn't Nagito's fault. The nature of his talent meant that he saw everything in his life through a warped lens of categories. Good, or bad. Lucky, or unlucky. Interesting, or boring. In that regard, he and Izuru were a lot alike.

Another fact - Nagito might not ever be able to change. This was not simply conjecture, but something that he'd racked his brain about, searching through the Ultimate Neurologist's knowledge over and over again. After their ordeal, everyone on this island had changed for the better -

Well, maybe Teruteru hadn't.

Most people on the island had changed for the better. But Nagito's decision-making capabilities, as well as his disinhibitive behavior, had suffered permanent harm. There was a real possibility that trying to get Nagito to understand _why_ Hajime was so insistent on not being called the Ultimate Hope would be damaging to his already-fragile mental health.

Nagito had been doing so well lately. He'd been smiling, laughing. Happy. He was starting to make friends again. He'd even thrown himself into the parkour game with gusto, and he'd done all of that just to ask Hajime to keep being his friend. As if Hajime would ever do anything else. As if he really couldn't believe that Hajime would never hurt him.

Hajime hastily scrubbed at his eyes, glad that nobody else was there on the beach to see him. How many times had he scolded Kazuichi for the exact same sentiment that he was feeling right now? It was time to stop being selfish. If a friend was what Nagito wanted, Hajime would be the best friend he could possibly be. He wouldn't allow Nagito's radiant smile to slip from his features.

He looked around, desperate for something to distract himself. His hand scrabbled in the sand, closing around a smooth, flat-bottomed rock.

_Lucky, _he thought to himself ironically.__

__When Hajime looked out at the water, he could see the lines of trajectories tracing themselves in the air; the lift and friction coefficients swaying invitingly among his estimate of the approximate angle for which-_ _

__No. Seriously? He was skipping a stone! This was something even Hajime Hinata, the Ultimate Average Student, could do!_ _

__He squeezed his eyes shut and concentrated until the calculations disappeared. He'd done this so many times as a child. How hard could it be?_ _

__Hajime flicked his wrist. The rock didn't even bounce once before plummeting into the water and sinking like...well, like a stone. Like all of his hopes and dreams involving Nagito._ _

__Quietly, Hajime trudged back to his cottage. He would have to at least _try_ to get some sleep tonight._ _

__He was too morose to even hear the faint, disgusted voice from deep inside his skull._ _

_This is completely ridiculous._ Something _must be done._

__And, as Hajime finally slept, Izuru plotted._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear. What should we be more concerned about? Hajime's thick skull? Whatever horrific idea is brewing in Izuru's head? The fact that this turned out to be kind of a serious chapter?
> 
> Don't worry! More fluff is coming right up! (Unless Izuru has anything to say about it, of course.)


	10. In Which Izuru Gets By (With A Little Help From His Friends)

Bleary-eyed, struggling awake from sleep, Kazuichi squinted incredulously at the loud, steady thumps coming from the general direction of his cottage door.

_No way...there's no way anyone's knockin' on my door this early..._

He could barely see anything in the darkness. Pulling the clock on his nightstand towards him, he blinked at the numbers with growing irritation. The first night of decent, uninterrupted sleep he'd been having since this whole business with his soul friend had started, and some jerk had seriously decided it was a good idea to show up at his door at 2 AM?

Stubbornly, he pulled the covers over his head and closed his eyes, but the insistent knocking continued.

"Go 'way!" he shouted. Mercifully, the noises stopped almost immediately. Sighing in relief, he rolled over, trying to burrow into a more comfortable position-

_Tap._

Okay, still freakin' annoying, but they'd go away eventually-

_Knock. Knockknockknock._

He sat up in bed, growling. Now he was starting to get really annoyed. He listened for a few moments, but was met with only silence. But, just as he'd thought it had stopped-

_Knock._

Muttering curses that even Fuyuhiko would have been proud of, he threw the covers off and marched towards the door.

"Hey! Knock it off! Don't ya know what time it is..." He blinked twice, rubbing his eyes. "H-huh? Hajime?" His soul friend stood before him, head bowed, hair shrouding his face in an impenetrable curtain. Hesitantly, he waved his hand in front of his face. "Hey, Hajime...are you okay?"

Slowly, as if moving through water, Hajime looked up towards him, opening his crimson eyes wide-

Crimson?!

"GAAAAAH!" Kazuichi shrieked, leaping backward. The Hajime-thing moved swiftly, darting inside and shutting the door behind him.

"Shut up, you idiot. Do you want to bring the entire island to witness this?"

"S-Stay back!" He waved his hands in what he hoped were warding gestures. "Y-you're not supposed ta be able ta come in without an invitation!"

The Hajime-thing's brow furrowed in irritation. "What do you think I am, exactly?" When Kazuichi opened his mouth, he waved a hand dismissively. "No, do not bother answering that. I do not want to know."

"Then why'd ya ask?" he said warily.

"What an utterly insipid question," the being in front of him muttered. He seemed to debate internally with himself for a moment, glancing longingly at the door, then shook his head again. "I see that I must use smaller words. I am Izuru Kamukura. I would state that I am pleased to meet you, but that would be as pointless as your entire existence."

Kazuichi missed that last sentence completely, staring at Izuru with glazed eyes. "I-Izuru?" He turned over the name in his head a couple of times before it clicked. "Hajime said ya were dead!" 

Izuru made a small noise of disgust. "Believe me when I say that every millisecond spent listening to you makes me more dead on the inside."

He balled his hands into fists. "What have you done with my soul friend?" He searched Izuru's blank, doll-like features for any trace of Hajime. "Where's Hajime Hinata?"

"Melodrama is so boring," Izuru mumbled emotionlessly. At Kazuichi's glare, he sighed. "I surmise that if I do not answer your pointless questions, we will be here all night, and my purpose in coming here will be lost. Very well, then. I have not *done* anything to Hajime. I have merely, with great effort and no small cost to myself, borrowed his body while he is asleep. And if he does not get back to bed at a decent hour, _both_ of us will suffer the effects of sleep deprivation for the next few days, so I suggest you listen carefully to me if you want to help your 'friend'."

Visions of horror swam through Kazuichi's mind, each one more vivid and terrifying than the last. "W-what do ya want from me?"

Izuru rolled his eyes, sighing. "I want to help Hajime Hinata and Nagito Komaeda...'get together', as the colloquial expression goes. _Obviously._ "

Kazuichi gaped at him. "...What?"

Izuru frowned. "Do you have a hearing problem from your work on those infernal machines?"

"N-no, I heard you..." Kazuichi frowned at him. Clearly, this guy had more than a few screws loose. "But _why_?"

Izuru shrugged. "I was bored." Kazuichi shot him a look of mild disbelief, and Izuru threw his hands up in frustration. "Fine. Evidently, I am unable to fool even the village idiot. If you must know, I am inhabiting Hajime Hinata's head right now-"

"Yeah, I heard that part too-"

Izuru's glare intensified. "This means that I feel what Hajime feels. And, since Hajime's neurochemistry was altered once again by the Future Foundation, this extends beyond the merely physical into the _emotional_ , as well. Every blush, every unnecessary fantasy about Nagito's toes, every self-indulgent bout of angsty sexual repression. The second-hand embarrassment has grown so strong as to become physically _painful_. This state of affairs must end."

Kazuichi's brain reeled. "K-Komaeda's...toes?"

"Or whatever body part happens to catch his attention that minute," Izuru snapped. "The point is, it is irritating beyond all belief, and it must stop."

Well, his motivations were suspect, but Kazuichi could certainly understand the desire for self-preservation. "Okay," he said cautiously. An idea struck him. "So, if you're in Hajime's head...do ya know why he hasn't asked Nagito out yet?"

Izuru opened his mouth as if to speak, but paused, examining Kazuichi critically. "Listen well, as I will not repeat myself." He looked Kazuichi up and down. "You may wish to write this down."

"Oh, yeah! Good idea." Kazuichi crossed to his work station, rummaging through the pile of material until he found a piece of paper mostly free of scribbled calculations and diagrams. Izuru's look of vague contempt rolled off his back easily. Apparently, the Ultimate Everything hadn't yet realized that Kazuichi was pretty much entirely immune to the concept of social embarrassment.

He nodded at Izuru. "Okay, go ahead."

"Thank you," Izuru said, voice dripping with sarcasm. Kazuichi noted, with more than a little amusement, that Izuru's frown of irritation deepened when he failed to react.

_He's not so emotionless as he'd like ta think he is, huh?_

"The situation is as such. Hajime believes that Nagito is in love with me, rather than him. This is because of Nagito's refusal to speak in anything other than riddles and meandering references to hope, which stems from his deep-seated fear of rejection. Unfortunately, Hajime is an idiot who has somehow misinterpreted literally every social cue that Nagito has given him, despite having my Ultimate Analyst ability. As a direct result of this idiocy, Nagito believes that Hajime is satisfied with remaining as his friend, and as such will never risk making the first move."

Kazuichi's pen flew across the paper as he copied Izuru's words down. He was actually kind of glad that he'd taken Izuru's suggestion. This was a lot to unpack.

He looked up at Izuru expectantly, waiting for him to reveal his grand plan. "And?" he prompted.

"Finally, we come to the crux of the issue," Izuru sighed. "The solution is simple. All you must do is place them under extreme stress." He drew a neatly annotated paper from his pocket, handing it to Kazuichi. "Nagito can easily be lured into this elaborate deathtrap through his obsession with his luck. Hajime will have to employ all of his talents to extricate him-"

"A-are you crazy?!" He shoved the papers away, shuddering at even the brief glimpse he'd gotten of protruding steel blades and implacable gears. "There's no way I'm putting Hajime into a screwed up situation like that! Or Komaeda, either!"

Izuru looked insulted. "Various psychological experiments have demonstrated a link between fear, adrenaline, and sexual attraction-"

"I don't care. We're not doin' this," Kazuichi snapped. "If that's the kind of thing ya came here ta say, you can leave now. The rest of us can handle this on our own!"

Izuru stood there for a moment, deep in thought. "...Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why is it a bad idea?" Izuru repeated.

Kazuichi stared at him. "If ya seriously have to ask why..." He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "It's pretty simple. Friends don't do that sort of thing to each other."

"That's it?" Izuru murmured.

He folded his arms. "Yeah. That's it."

"Hmm." Izuru shrugged, turning away. "A dull, talentless explanation. But I suppose it will have to do."

Kazuichi's eyes narrowed. "I'm goin' ta tell Hajime about this, ya know. So don't ever try to take over his body again, or force him into that weird deathtrap thing yourself, or-"

"To do so would place unnecessary strain on me, and would be boring as well. I do not plan on doing this again." Izuru shrugged. "Tell Hajime if you wish. I am sure he will get quite worked up about it. In fact, I am certain that romance will be the last thing on his mind for a very, very long time." With a parting sneer, he strode out of Kazuichi's cottage. 

Kazuichi dashed out after him, watching to make sure that he didn't go anywhere else. But Izuru simply walked straight back into Hajime's cottage and, even though he watched the door carefully for an hour, didn't come back out.

The mechanic paced his room for a long time afterwards, teeth gritted. That jerk was pretty smart, as much as he hated to admit it. He'd really backed him up against the wall.

...fine. He wouldn't tell Hajime - yet. But he would watch him like a top-of-the-line security camera to make sure Izuru didn't try anything, and if he did, he would be sure to tell Hajime right away. In the meanwhile, he would have to step up his efforts to make the Plan succeed.

Even if, he thought gloomily to himself, his next options for help were terrifying beyond all reason.

***

Izuru Kamukura carefully arranged his limbs in the exact same position that Hajime's had been when he'd superseded him. He hadn't lied to the mechanic boy, despite how disappointingly dull he'd found him to be. Being an observer suited him far more than venturing out into the same, insignificant, deadlocked world that he'd been so trapped in before. Hajime still had the capacity to surprise him on occasion - which, of course, he wouldn't be able to do if he was dead, unconscious, or injured.

Or disgustingly lovesick, for that matter.

All of this despair was incredibly boring. There was no point to despair, after all. The utter failure of that irritating girl's plans had proven that beyond a reasonable doubt. Therefore, he had no interest in allowing Hajime to sink into such a hopeless state. It was a pity that Kazuichi Soda had failed to realize the merits of his plan, but the information he had given him would ensure that even someone like him would eventually triumph.

Yes, he definitely wanted Hajime's romantic aspirations with Nagito Komaeda to succeed.

Still, the smile that played upon his lips as he receded back into the comfortable corners of Hajime's mind was decidedly unpleasant. After all, Hajime's sorrow was terribly boring. 

But the prospect of watching their relationship crash and burn from the thousand delicious cuts of standard entropy?

Now _that_ might actually be interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Izuru. This is what happens when you learn about normal human interaction from the Greatest Hits section of the psychological textbook library. It looks like Hajime and Nagito will certainly surprise him, but not in the way he expects...
> 
> Of course, for that to happen, they have to actually get together first. Good luck, Kazuichi! (He'll need it.)


	11. In Which Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures (Will Kazuichi Measure Up?)

"Hm...." Akane scratched her head as she read through the notes from Kazuichi's late-night encounter. "This is some pretty complicated stuff, huh? I don' really get it, but at least we know what the problem is, right?"

"EXACTLYYYYYY!" Nekomaru ruffled her hair fondly. "Now that we understand the basics, we can properly draw up our winning strategyyyy!"

That sounded promising to Kazuichi. "What strategy?" he prompted hopefully. Maybe if this worked out, he wouldn't need to resort to the option he'd thought of last night.

"Don't worry, Kazuichi!" Nekomaru's tone was reassuring, but his next sentence certainly wasn't. "I'll rewrite those requisition forms with all my power! We'll get those axes, or my name isn't NEKOMARU NIDAIIIIII-"

"O-On second thought, it's okay!" he blurted out. Seeing the look of slight disappointment on Nekomaru and Akane's features, he hastily explained. "I-I've got a new Plan I kinda wanted ta try...if it doesn't work out, of course we'll just try the axes again..." He silently berated himself. _Damn it! Why'd I have ta go an' say that?_

Akane beamed at him. "Good luck, Kazuichi! We'll hurry up an' get those forms ready for ya in case ya hafta come back!"

"Thanks," he said weakly, trying to endure Nekomaru's comradely backslapping without falling over. It would be okay, wouldn't it? After all, Izuru Kamukura had analyzed the situation for him! This time, he finally knew everything he needed to succeed!

What could possibly go wrong?

***

Even though he'd done his best to prepare himself mentally, Kazuichi was still far more nervous than he should have been as he made his way towards the movie theatre. He really shouldn't have put off the final touches on that power armor. In case things went badly, it could have helped-

The doors flew open, and a softly smiling Peko emerged, followed closely by Fuyuhiko. Kazuichi couldn't help but stare.

Fuyuhiko was _laughing._

And it wasn't his usual, triumphant cackle. With his head thrown back and a shockingly open grin on his face, the yakuza heir actually looked boyish and friendly, all traces of his usual personality completely absent. _Maybe this won't be so bad after all!_ Confidence somewhat restored, Kazuichi sped up as he walked towards them.

"...and that bit where he shoots his rival with a fucking handgun and he flies back all the way into the trash compactor? Who the fuck comes up with shit like that?"

Kazuichi's smile faded a little. Even with an expression like that, everything Fuyuhiko said still managed to be terrifying. Catching sight of him, Peko nudged Fuyuhiko gently, causing his head to instantly whip towards Kazuichi and his trademark scowl to snap back onto his features. "What?" the yakuza growled aggressively.

A small squeak escaped Kazuichi's lips, and Peko seemed to take pity on him. "Good afternoon, Kazuichi. What is your business with us?"

"I-I..." He couldn't halt his trembles at Fuyuhiko's steadily intensifying glare.

"Just fucking say it already!"

"I need your help gettin' Hajime and Komaeda to date!" he blurted out, waving his notes in front of him like a shield.

Peko and Fuyuhiko exchanged a long glance. Finally, Fuyuhiko sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"...It's about fucking time."

"Huh?" He perked up. "So...so you'll help?"

"Hajime helped me learn how to smile," Peko said solemnly. "I want to help him realize the thing that is most important to him, too."

"Yeah, should be easy." Fuyuhiko's grin, despite not having the benefit of sharpened teeth, was even more sharklike than Kazuichi's own. "We'll just toss those guys in a room and lock them in until they get over their bitching and confess."

"That won't work-" Kazuichi attempted to explain, but was rapidly cut off.

"Why the fuck not? They're grown-ass men, aren't they?"

"Komaeda is...a little like me," Peko said, nodding to herself. "When Fuyuhiko asked me to be with him, I said yes without hesitation...I'm sure it's the same for him."

"N-no..." He shoved the notes at them. "Just read this!"

Fuyuhiko took the paper from him and scanned it, brows drawing further and further down with each sentence. Wordlessly, he handed it to Peko, who just sighed and shook her head.

"...so that's the situation," Kazuichi said.

"That's fucked," Fuyuhiko said bluntly. Peko nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, tell me about it," he sighed.

"Okay," Fuyuhiko said after a moment. "Clearly, we're not going to be able to half-ass this. So!" Eyeing Kazuichi sternly, he launched into a lecture. "As a yakuza, it's important to gather information on your targets before going after them. Their movements, their habits, their associates, so you can plan the best time to strike."

"Hey, we're not plannin' an assassination...right?" Fuyuhiko gave him a withering glare.

"My point is, this is the exact same shit. According to your notes, Hajime is being a bitch and won't confess, so we have to go after Nagito."

Kazuichi frowned. "So we're goin' to...what, stalk him?"

"Nagito is too dangerous an opponent to take lightly." Unconsciously, Peko's hand stroked the hilt of her bamboo sword. "If we are to protect their relationship as well as their pride, we have a duty to be as thorough as possible in our investigation."

He nodded. With a twinge of shame, he remembered using the exact same tactic on Sonia and Gundham, except for far worse reasons. "Okay, I get that. So we're just followin' him and tryin' ta figure out what makes him tick, right?"

"Nah," Fuyuhiko said casually. "He's probably got some keepsakes of Hajime or something on him somewhere."

"Like how you asked Mahiru for all the pictures of us together?" Peko smiled again. "...I liked that."

"Uh, y-yeah," the yakuza stammered, spots of color blooming high in his cheeks. When Peko looked away, he gave Kazuichi a death glare of clear intent. _You'd better act like you didn't see anything if you know what's good for you, bastard!_

Kazuichi hastily looked away. "So, uh, photos and stuff?"

"Yeah, we just have to hope it's something useful instead of used fucking tissues or some creepy shit like that."

He shook his head, trying to clear the mental images from his brain. "I get it...so one of us waits until he's lookin' at somethin' like that and the others bring Hajime so he can see?"

"We have no guarantee that he will be carrying those precious objects on his person."

"Yeah, so we'll just break into his cottage and get the evidence from there. Easy shit." At Kazuichi's horrified stare, Fuyuhiko frowned. "What?"

"We can't do that!"

"Why not?" Peko looked genuinely confused. "Do you not want to help Hajime?"

"I...I do, but..." He couldn't help but think that this was just a continuation of all the crap he'd pulled with Sonia. Sure, he would have been fine with it then, but now it just seemed...disrespectful.

"Fine, whatever!" Fuyuhiko waved a hand airily, and Kazuichi stared at him in surprise. "We'll go with your plan."

"Huh? Really?"

"Don't fuck with me!" the yakuza snapped. "I'm fucking agreeing with you, aren't I? Why are you still bitching about it?"

"R-right..." Maybe it was the fact that he was speaking to the Ultimate Ruffian, but he still felt a little suspicious. "So just ta make sure...we're definitely not breakin' into Komaeda's house, right?"

"Of course not," Peko said, and he relaxed. Peko was a lot nicer than Fuyuhiko. If she agreed with him, Fuyuhiko definitely wouldn't go through with it.

"Okay! Great!" He flashed both of them a thumbs-up. "So how d'you want ta do this?"

"We'll take it in shifts," Fuyuhiko said, immediately taking charge. "You'll start watching him from tomorrow. Peko'll go the next day, then me. Keep watch for anything we can use to show Hajime."

Another Plan which he could take part in! He resisted the urge to salute. "All right! I'll go see if I can get some drones workin'!" He almost turned to dash off in his excitement, but remembered himself at the last minute. "Hey, Fuyuhiko, Peko...thanks. Really."

"You are very welcome," Peko said seriously.

The two of them watched Kazuichi recede into the distance, almost running in his excitement. Peko turned towards her boyfriend calmly.

"So, when will we be breaking into Nagito's cottage?"

"Tomorrow, after breakfast."

Peko nodded in acknowledgment, taking Fuyuhiko's hand. Together, the Ultimate Yakuza and Ultimate Swordswoman walked off serenely towards their cottage, the very picture of innocence.

And, still engulfed in the sweet throes of ignorance, Kazuichi happily went to bed, his finished drone gleaming proudly on his nightstand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...well, at least Kazuichi's conscience is clear! For now, that is.


	12. In Which Crime Doesn't Pay (Except When It Does)

Kazuichi flashed Fuyuhiko and Peko a discreet thumbs up as he passed by their table, subtly patting the drone nestled in his backpack.

Apparently he hadn't been subtle enough, as Koizumi cornered him by the buffet shortly afterward. "I hope you know what you're doing," she muttered, giving him a concerned look.

He grinned at her. As far as he was concerned, there was nothing to be worried about. "Don' worry, Koizumi! We have this completely under control!"

She looked unconvinced. "Boys," the photographer sighed. "At least Peko is there to keep an eye on you...I hope."

Pretending he hadn't heard Koizumi's pointed statement, Kazuichi continued loading his plate. He had to admit that she had a point. After all, Peko was probably the most responsible out of all of them.

***

Under the table, Peko handed over the last of the packages she had prepared to Fuyuhiko, her hand lingering mischievously on his for just a few moments longer than necessary. She knew that a man of his skill wouldn't need more than one set of tools for a simple lock such as those on their cottage doors, but she had prepared three sets of makeshift torsion wrenches and lockpicks from Hiyoko's extra bobby pins regardless.

He gave her a wry smile as he tucked the pins into one of the many hidden pockets of his suit. "Responsible as always, huh, Peko?"

After many, many dates with which to practice it, the smile she gave him in return was neither shy nor hesitant. "That is one of my reasons for existing, after all."

They sat back in companionable silence, enjoying the final moments of calm before the job at hand.

***

Fuyuhiko and Peko ignored the meaningful look Kazuichi gave them as he strolled out after Hajime and Komaeda, but it was okay! They were probably just being stealthy. At any rate, it wasn't as if either his soul friend or his target would have noticed him, even if he'd strapped all of Teruteru's pots and pans across his back and rolled down the stairs. It was unbelievable how two men could spend so much time so completely absorbed in each other and still not be able to be honest with themselves about it. He did feel a lot more sympathetic towards Komaeda after Izuru had revealed why he was so afraid, though. Kazuichi, of all people, knew how scary the fear of rejection was.

Not that it had stopped him before, of course.

Firmly, he shoved those thoughts out of his head and concentrated on Komaeda, who was listening intently to something Hajime was saying with rapt attention as they walked through Jabberwock Park. Kazuichi shrugged, busying himself with setting up his drone for a spot of aerial reconnaissance.

He was probably going to be here for a long, long time.

***

To a casual observer, Fuyuhiko and Peko would have seemed to be following their usual routine. In reality, they observed and catalogued the planned movements of the others, establishing their alibi - a watermelon snack on the beach - accordingly. Fuyuhiko monitored Komaeda's cottage casually as he loitered out of sight, safely concealed from prying eyes, while Peko did what she did best, confirming shortly afterward that the others were engaged in their stated plans.

"Let's do this shit," he said cockily, stepping towards Komaeda's door.

"Will you be keeping watch, then?"

"Nah, I'll go inside. It'd be more believable for you to be hanging around the cottages than me." _And if he really does have some weird creepy shit in there, at least Peko won't have to see it._ He smirked reassuringly at her. "Not that any of those bastards would ever be able to spot you, anyways."

"Thank you, Fuyuhiko." He really was getting used to those small, pretty smiles of hers. How the fuck had he been stupid enough to not notice how much that look meant to him before the simulation?

The thought pissed him off a little, but also made him more determined. After all, he wasn't about to let his bro continue being a fucking moron, too.

The pathetic excuse for a lock on Nagito's door barely took any time at all to pick. He slipped inside with a nod to Peko, his lone eye glittering with mixed glee and nostalgia.

At first glance, the cottage seemed both tidy and sparse. Even though he had what looked to be half a fucking library on his shelves to search through, he would probably have the evidence secured long before Nagito returned.

_Piece of fucking cake,_ he thought smugly, slipping his gloves on.

***

Kazuichi stifled a yawn. He knew that this was serious business, but this was the most boring stalking session he'd ever had. After Hajime had left, Komaeda had sat down against a tree and apparently decided that staring into space for the next half an hour would be an interesting thing to do. He was actually starting to get a little concerned. _Does he really not even do_ anythin' _if Hajime isn't there-?_

As if he'd heard Kazuichi's thoughts, Komaeda stretched his arms, then took a quick glance around as if to make sure nobody was watching. Kazuichi's fingers tightened on his drone controls, instantly alert. What was Komaeda about to do?

His jaw dropped at the sight of the slender book and pencil Komaeda pulled out from his coat. A sketchbook! And, if he knew Komaeda at all, his favorite subject would definitely be in there.

Fingers trembling, he carefully began to maneuver his drone into position. He would only have one chance to get this right.

***

"Come on, you bastard, don't fuck with me," Fuyuhiko whispered as he rummaged under Nagito's bed. But, unlike the simulation, there was nothing there.

Forget the creepy shit he'd been so concerned about finding. There was no shit at all to be found. He'd rummaged through every single book, drawer, and possible hiding place in Nagito's place, carefully replacing them in the exact same positions once he was done. He'd even inspected the floorboards and ceiling for hiding places, and, in a moment of true desperation, the bathroom tank.

The only indications he'd found of any fucking personality whatsoever were the books and an assortment of potpourri, of all things, in his nightstand. He'd frowned dubiously at it, wondering if it might be evidence, but even if it _was_ a gift from Hajime, it was probably the sort of thing that would normally be kept in a drawer, anyways.

...Could Kazuichi really have been right about him carrying keepsakes on his person?

Nah, he thought as he exited, grimly giving a negative signal to Peko. There was no fucking way Kazuichi could have read that guy accurately.

***

"I got it! I got it!" Kazuichi waved his drone around excitedly, gasping for breath. He had dashed all over the first island looking for them after his shift had ended. It seemed as if Komaeda's hobby was drawing. Specifically, drawing Hajime. And he'd captured all of it on the camera he'd equipped his darling drone with.

"No fucking way," Fuyuhiko said, a shellshocked look on his face.

"Right on, man!" He was too excited to waste time wondering why the gangster was making that weird expression.

Peko patted her boyfriend's arm soothingly. "Do not be surprised, Kazuichi. It is more a matter of professional pride than anything else."

"Professional...pride?" He blinked suspiciously. "Hey, hey! You guys didn't do anythin' like...like break into his house or somethin'...did ya?"

"Of course not," Peko said in a monotone. 

"No _fucking_ way," Fuyuhiko repeated, although Kazuichi wasn't sure if it was in response to his question or not.

Still, he felt a little ashamed. Fuyuhiko and Peko had agreed to help him more-or-less without reservation, and he was questioning them as gangsters instead of true friends. "Hey, s-sorry," he stammered. "I shouldn't have assumed..."

"Yes. We are very trustworthy," Peko assured him, still in her monotone.

"Sure," he agreed. "Anyways, ya'll never guess what I found! Komaeda's been drawin' Hajime - smilin', laughin', doing specifically Hajime things!" He turned the drone so that they could see the pictures. "This'll prove he's in love with Hajime, not Izuru!"

Since Fuyuhiko still seemed unable to speak, Peko took the drone from him. "Thank you, Kazuichi." As she flicked through the pictures, her eyebrows drew downward. "I...do not particularly understand this..."

"Let me see," Fuyuhiko said listlessly. His eye widened as he saw the picture in front of him. "What the fuck is this, a fucking potato?"

"What're ya talkin' about? It's definitely Hajime!"

"Even Hajime wouldn't be able to tell this is Hajime!" Fuyuhiko yelped. Kazuichi squinted at the picture. It really wasn't *that* bad. He had the general shape of the face right - it was more or less a circle, right? And the hair definitely had one strand sticking up in the front. He tilted his head to the side and stared at it again. Although from this angle, it kind of looked a little like a finger...

"I do not think that this would be particularly meaningful to Hajime." Peko sounded somewhat glum.

He desperately attempted to rally them. "Fine, but we learned somethin', didn't we?"

"Yeah, we learned that Nagito can't fucking draw-"

" _And_ that he has Hajime-related hobbies!" Kazuichi concluded. "We just have ta wait and see! Maybe he'll bring somethin' else tomorrow, on Peko's shift-"

"He won't."

Kazuichi frowned. "Well, that's pessimistic. How d'ya know-"

"We broke into his house."

"WHAT?" He clutched his head. "H-hold on! That's a joke, right? You guys are just joking!"

"We're going to need another plan," Fuyuhiko said with a groan, ignoring him.

"I agree," Peko mused. "But we may need something more in order to succeed." She looked directly at Kazuichi. "Something...fluffy."

"N-no..." He was aware that his voice was rising into a high-pitched whine, but was too overwhelmed to stop it. "Ya don't mean..."

But, unfortunately for Kazuichi, it was all too clear what - or rather, _who_ \- she meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, our thrilling conclusion draws near! And, unfortunately for Kazuichi, a conclusion to his personal problems seems inevitable as well, for better or worse...


	13. In Which One Problem Ends (And One Last Problem Begins)

Kazuichi slowly pushed open the door of the library, his limbs feeling as though they were weighted down with lead.

Peko had offered to come with him, but - after no small amount of internal debating, and perhaps even some manly tears - Kazuichi had decided that it would be for the best if he came alone. After all, it was him who had screwed things up in the first place. And if this whole mess with Hajime and Komaeda had taught him anything, it was that sometimes the best way to solve your problems was to face them head-on instead of just running away from the truth.

He wished he could've started with a small problem, though, instead of the one that had been happily steamrolling every single component of his life for the past year or so. 

_Like that matters!_ he scolded himself. _I've got to run to my goal...for my soul friend!_

Still, his voice squeaked a little as he spoke. "H-hello?"

Gundham Tanaka frowned slightly as he saw him standing in the doorway. "Hmph. What is the meaning of this interruption, fiend?" His hamsters chittered angrily on his shoulders, although Tanaka sounded more resigned than irritated at his presence. Kazuichi winced. He probably thought that Kazuichi was here for another unwanted declaration of love or something.

"Good evening, Kazuichi," Sonia said, gracious as always. "Are you looking for something in particular?"

"A-Actually..." Sonia's elegant smile slipped a little, and he wanted to kick his old self in the head all over again. It was best if he got this over with quickly. "I...I came ta apologize!"

The couple's eyes widened in unison as they stared at him. It was a better reaction than what he'd expected, all things considered. Emboldened, he continued. "I've been a real idiot, ya know...I was probably really freakin' annoying to both of you all this time. But I wanted ta say, I'm really sorry for makin' you uncomfortable, an' I support you! As a couple. So...so..." At some point, he'd started bowing out of habit, and was now bent over at nearly ninety degrees, eyes squeezed shut in terror. "So if ya wanna curse me or anythin', you can...just, please, don't make it too bad..."

"Oh my..." Sonia said faintly. He risked a glance upward. She looked startled, but her lips were twitching upward. A good sign, maybe? Tanaka's mouth was pressed firmly shut, dark liner highlighting the roundness of his eyes. Even the hamsters were watching him intently, cheeks puffed with uncertainty. "We accept your apology, of course!"

"H-huh? You do?" A touch of hope entered his voice. "So...you're not goin' ta curse me?" Tanaka still hadn't said anything.

Sonia nudged her boyfriend gently. "Gundham?"

"Fuhahaha! I, too, shall accept this contract! A mere human would not be able to withstand a curse from the lips of the Overlord of Hell, after all!" Well, that last sentence hadn't really been necessary, but it looked like Tanaka had accepted his apology as well. He wasn't sure if he would have been able to do the same, in his position.

Kazuichi sighed in relief. He hadn't realized how sick the tension had been making him until it finally left his shoulders in one sudden, liberating rush. "Thanks, Sonia. And Tanaka, too." Sure, he was impressed by Tanaka's forgiveness, but there was no way he was going to call that guy "Overlord" or anything weird like that.

Sonia's eyebrows rose even higher for a second, but when her smile returned, it was pure and genuine. "Hell yeah!" She extended her fist outward. "Put it here, bro!"

Hesitantly, he bumped his knuckles against hers. "R-Right on!"

"Please, join us!" Sonia gestured towards the pile of ominous-looking books littering the table she and Tanaka were sitting at. "Have you come to ask for our help with Hajime and Nagito?"

He choked on his own tongue for a second. "H-How did ya..." Grinning sheepishly, he scratched his head. "Well, I guess it was pretty obvious. I actually came ta ask Tanaka if he could help."

Tanaka eyed him warily. "Your aim was not towards the Dark Queen?"

"Peko thought somethin' fluffy might help." He gestured towards the hamsters peeking out from behind Tanaka's scarf. "An' since you're the expert on fluffy things-"

"Kehehe! Speak no more, mortal! I understand your intent!" With a dramatic gesture, Tanaka leaped from his seat, extending an arm unerringly towards the door. "San-D! Jum-P! Maga-Z! Cham-P! Four Dark Devas of Destruction, I choose you! Go forth and accomplish your destiny!"

Squeaking determinedly, the hamsters flowed forth, an unstoppable tiny tide of fluff and bounciness. 

Kazuichi gave Tanaka a dubious look. "Not that I'm doubtin' you or anythin'...but don't ya need to go with them? To tell them what to do, or something?"

Tanaka shook his head smugly. "The Dark Devas are sufficient weapons to cut through the chaos of this world. If our desire is to speed their mission, we must hasten to create a portal to strengthen the demons within!"

"Ooh!" Sonia clapped her hands in excitement. "I will get the candles and the ritual knives!"

He almost didn't want to ask. "Hey, hey! These knives aren't sharp or anythin', right?"

But Tanaka was already advancing on him, a maddened gleam in his eyes. "By our blood intermingled, we shall seal this compact!" He shoved an open book at Kazuichi, tapping an elaborate occult circle with his forefinger. "Minion! Fetch the salt and switches of rowan!"

"Why am I always the minion?" he asked rhetorically to Tanaka's back. The man had already rushed off, yelling something about the tears of a virgin.

The color drained from his face, and he hurried out towards the kitchen. No, it was definitely much better to be a minion. And he definitely wasn't sticking around to give Tanaka any ideas about *that* particular spell component.

Kazuichi knew spells weren't real. But, deep down, this was all about hope, right? And, sadly to say, it wasn't even the worst out of the ideas he'd already tried. Anyways, it couldn't hurt, and he could always beg Tanaka after whatever weird ritual they were doing to actually use the hamsters with Peko in some sort of plan.

It was weird, but he was kind of worried about the little fuzzballs running off on their own. He hoped they'd be all right without their tamer for a couple of hours.

***

Crimson Steel Elephant Maga-Z took point as they moved out, noses low to the ground and ears flattened. Mirage Golden Hawk Jum-P chittered as he caught the scent trail they had been searching for, and the hamster formation swung unerringly to follow it. Supernova Silver Fox San-D's plan had been a thing of beauty, and they would execute it without fail. 

Their target blinked as she felt a tug on her stocking. "Huh?" She gasped with delight as she caught sight of Invading Black Dragon Cham-P, the most aesthetically gifted of the four of them, waving his paws in front of her, cheeks at their roundest and rosiest and large eyes fluttering. "KYAAAAAAH! So cuuuuuuuuuuute!"

The sonic attack would have felled lesser beings than themselves, but the Four Dark Devas of Destruction transcended the physical limitations of ordinary beasts, animal and human alike. San-D nimbly ascended her leg, hopping up to her shoulder and squeaking in her ear. Ibuki Mioda pursed her lips in concentration, letting out an excited whoop at San-D's instructions. "Yahooooooo! Ibuki agrees with you, you know! Love shouldn't be reduced to just words! Let's make Hajime and Nagito-chan feel their love with all their hearts!"

Their delighted chirping mixed with their noble steed's laughter as she skipped down the road, four hamsters riding her shoulders, hope trailing behind her like the strands of her hair in the breeze.

Hajime and Nagito would never know what had hit them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ibuki and the Four Dark Devas actually sounds like a pretty awesome metal band name. I'm sure this combo will be as explosive in their plots as they would be on stage!
> 
> Coming up next - an end to this madness :)


	14. In Which The Match Is Lit (Wildfire Advisories In Effect)

Hajime stared, bewildered, at the single white rose resting innocently on his nightstand.

He was absolutely sure it hadn't been there when he'd left his cottage this morning. And he was pretty sure he'd locked his cottage, too - after all the constant nagging from Twogami about public safety and decorum, he'd finally decided that some battles weren't worth fighting, no matter how completely stupid he found them.

Gingerly, he inspected the flower, but there were no clues hidden in its pink-tinged petals. It sure did smell nice, though.

_Does even a small thing like this bring you hope, Hajime?_

_Yes,_ he told head-Komaeda, a warm feeling blossoming in his heart. _Especially now that I know who it reminds me of._

Surprisingly, Izuru didn't even snap at him about the wide, goofy grin he knew was on his face as he searched for a decent vase to put the flower in.

***

"So let me get this straight. You want us to break into a couple cottages because Gundham's fucking _hamsters_ told you so?"

The Four Dark De- no, fuck this, they were hamsters and that was what he was going to damn well call them - chittered angrily, faces round with menace. Without even turning around, he could _feel_ Peko's heart melting.

Ibuki gave him an exaggerated frown, shading her eyes from the non-existent sun. "Fuyuhiko shouldn't be so mean to the Four Dark Devas of Destruction! They're megaaaa dangerous, you know!"

Fuyuhiko started to say something, then stopped. Was it just his imagination, or had one of those hamsters seriously made a throat-cutting gesture with its paw?

He heard a soft, almost inaudible squeak behind him, and couldn't stop one corner of his mouth from tugging upward. Of course Peko would find that shit cute. And, despite himself, he was reluctantly impressed by the hamsters' attitude. He'd had henchmen with far less initiative, not to mention sheer enthusiasm.

"Fine, whatever," he said, putting as much dismissal as possible into his voice. "If Peko wants to do it-"

"I would like that," Peko said softly. He glared at Ibuki in a vain attempt to dislodge her knowing smile.

"So what are we supposed to do this time? Kidnap those two fucking idiots? Because I suggested that last time-"

"Creep!" Ibuki hollered. "The Dark Devas' idea is waaaaay more exciting than that!"

He refrained from pointing out that this was obviously Ibuki's idea. The idea that anyone could talk to hamsters was completely ridiculous, no matter what Gundham said. Still, planting evidence was more likely to work out than fruitlessly searching for evidence that didn't exist in the first place.

With a solemnity that he'd never known she could display, Ibuki placed a single long-stemmed rose - one pinkish-white, one red - in each of Peko's hands. Grinning, she stepped back, tilting her head to the heavens. Fuyuhiko clapped his hands over Peko's ears.

"Tahaaaaaaa! Let's do this!"

Afterward, Fuyuhiko would swear that he'd seen at least one bird fall, poleaxed, from a nearby tree. But Gundham's hamsters still stood proudly, the wind gently ruffling their fur, ears perked up as if in defiance.

It was really fucking stupid, so there was no way he'd admit it. But, in a twisted way, it looked just a little...

...heroic.

***

Hajime wanted to ask Nagito about the rose at breakfast. He really did. But one look at his bright-eyed smile and cheerful "Good morning, Hajime!" - as if nothing had changed - clamped his mouth shut.

_You're being an idiot,_ Izuru informed him.

_Thanks,_ he said sarcastically. _Do you have anything useful to say today?_

_I_ am _being useful. You are not._

And Izuru resumed his sulking.

"...Hajime?"

He blinked, shoved the remnants of his conversation with Izuru out of his head. "Uh...sorry, Nagito. I was just thinking about some stuff."

"Ah, stuff," Nagito said, nodding sagely. "I, too, sometimes think about stuff."

"Cool," Hajime blurted out, and instantly wanted to smack himself in the head.

"I was just saying that I like your shirt." Nagito leaned forward, eyes unusually intense. "Red is a nice color on you."

"I like white." This time, his forehead really did smack into his palm. What was _wrong_ with him?

Nagito hummed thoughtfully, and Hajime shoved an entire piece of toast into his own mouth so he would finally stop talking.

_Smooth._

_Shut up, Izuru._

***

Kazuichi's eyes watered as he stared at the disturbingly blood-red symbols scrawled all over the library floor. He tried to screw up his courage, but his voice still squeaked. "I-is that..."

"Fuhaha!" Tanaka roared. "Let this sacred seal be catalyzed by the diabolical ochre of illusion!"

"Don't worry, Kazuichi," Sonia reassured him. "This is a cruelty-free summoning circle." She leaned in conspiratorially. "We borrowed some of Teruteru's food coloring."

"Right," he said weakly, fingers slightly loosening from their death grip on his beanie.

She handed him a lighter with skulls liberally painted in black nail polish scattered across its surface. "You can light the candles, Kazuichi," she said gently, patting his hand.

Swallowing nervously, he sidestepped the stack of incense on the floor and began to dutifully light the ritual candles. Maybe he would get out of this without being sacrificed, after all.

***

Humming a soft tune to himself, Teruteru carefully trimmed the edges from another layer of chocolate cake. He sighed internally as he looked at the boring bottle of simple syrup resting on the counter. A generous dash of rum would truly have brought out the passion lying dormant in both Hajime and Nagito - or, even better, the last few drops from the vial of love potion he'd requisitioned -

Maga-Z's low, warning squeak instantly wiped the growing smile off Teruteru's face. The dangerous gleam in the tiny hamster's squinted eyes - not to mention the implied threat in its gnashing teeth - forced him to snap back towards his creation immediately. He'd been lucky that Gundham's little enforcer had allowed him to get away with the dash of cayenne pepper for extra zest in the batter, but he suspected that even the slightest hint of his usual appreciation for the finer things in life would be quickly deflated by its wicked little claws.

Making a cake like this wasn't so bad, though. Of course, it was far beneath his skill level and his qualifications as a sophisticated urbanite. But his family would have liked the uncomplicated flavors at the end of a long day's work. Ma had taught him the trick with the cayenne. His siblings would have betrayed their true ages by brawling in a thoroughly undignified manner for the right to lick the spoon. The diner's customers might have asked for a piece or two to go, so that they could bring a small part of the Hanamuras home with them.

Maybe some day, he would be able to welcome someone else home with this cake again.

For now, he diligently toddled over towards the refrigerator, already thinking about how to best keep the buttercream frosting chilled. After all, he thought, careful to hide his leer from the nasty little rodent lurking on his kitchen counter, the creature couldn't possibly be aware of _all_ the innuendos he could possibly sculpt.

Visions of delightfully oversized cake decorations swelling in his mind's eye, Teruteru cheerfully got back to work.

***

Grumbling dramatically, Ibuki carefully set down her air guitar. For a while, the constant crashing and shouting coming from the forest had provided a wonderful substitute for drums and vocals, but the composition was starting to get pretty woefully out of time. 

"Ibuki thinks moral support is awesome, too, but sometimes micromanaging has a really melancholy vibe to it!" she declared, flipping her long hair in San-D's general direction. Unfortunately, the Dark Deva's beady eyes didn't even shift a micro-meter from Nekomaru, Akane, and Hiyoko. The pile of woven black-and-white flowers and vines next to the hamster was _mega_ impressive, but such laser-like concentration couldn't be good for anyone!

Ibuki moved in front of San-D, waving her arms in the air. She received a swat on the nose for her trouble. "Gyaaah!" she shrieked, windmilling even harder. "San-D's forceful personality is like getting a slap from a gorgeous pop diva whose posters are all over your wall! It's sooooo awesome!"

The Deva chittered reprovingly at her, and Ibuki sighed, falling backward to arrange herself artistically on the forest floor. "Ibuki _knows_ , but I think Hiyoko can handle this herself! Nekomaru and Akane are decorating with such spirit! Such drive! Nothing bad is going to happen!"

"LOOK OUT BELOOOOOOOOW!" Nekomaru bellowed. Ibuki rolled her eyes back, watching the three decorators scatter as a tree crashed, with a bone-shattering _whump_ , to the ground. "GAHAHAHA! Sometimes I get carried away with the immeasurable power of my biceeeeeeeps!"

San-D fixed Ibuki with an unimpressed stare. The musician sighed, sitting upright and settling her hands back into air guitar position. They were probably going to be stuck here for a long, long time.

***

"Oh, Hajime! It's _so_ good that you're here!" Hajime blinked in surprise as Mahiru latched herself onto his arm. 

"R-right...I mean, we were all at breakfast together, so it's not really that weird..." He looked around at Nagito for answers, but the other simply raised one shoulder in a slight shrug. 

"I knew that!" Mahiru snapped, cheeks reddening slightly. "What I actually meant was that it's _great_ that someone reliable like you is around. I need to work on getting some more pictures of us around the island, and I thought you could help me out today."

Hajime looked at Nagito helplessly, but all he was met with was his standard guileless stare. "Uh...well, I guess I don't mind, but Nagito and I were going to hang out for a bit-"

"Oh!" Mahiru's eyes lit up. "Did you have anything special planned?"

Hajime shook his head, confused. "Not really."

He flinched as the full force of Mahiru's frown hit him. "Guess it's still up to us, huh?" she muttered cryptically. "Regardless! That means you're free to come along and help me, then."

"If Nagito's all right with it," Hajime said, resigning himself to his fate.

"Oh, please don't mind me!" Nagito said cheerfully. "I'll be in the library so as not to bother anyone with my presence!"

For some reason, Mahiru looked a little alarmed for a second, but a sudden smile swept the expression away. "Actually, Hiyoko-chan was wondering if you could help her pick out a new kimono style!" She gestured over to Hiyoko - towards -

Hajime frowned. Was it just his imagination, or did she look ever-so-slightly different? Maybe she had done something different with her hair. Well, no matter what, he would never tell Hiyoko to her face that her current choice of kimono was making her look much _larger_ than usual. Although whatever shoes she was wearing had certainly added a few inches of height, Hajime figured a second opinion on her clothing wouldn't hurt. And Nagito really was good at that sort of thing - with that slim, tailored jacket that suited his figure so well, and the way the cut of his pants showed off his long legs -

"Have fun!" Mahiru chirped, almost dragging Hajime away in her haste. He tore his gaze away from Nagito, trying to focus back on Mahiru.

Cham-P jabbed Jum-P with a small, chubby paw, startling the other hamster into wakefulness. After exchanging a meaningful nod, the two figures melted into the grass and split up, their tiny forms almost invisible amidst the tall, green stalks.

***

"Insolent scion of Pandaemonium! Most virulent of the symbols of contagion befalling the human condition! With the bells of catastrophe do I chain your dark heart! Let their dreadful peals ring for thee!"

Sonia hissed urgently at him. "Ring the bells of catastrophe louder, Kazuichi! How will we ever summon Asmodeus if he cannot feel our enthusiasm?"

Glumly, Kazuichi whacked the cowbell he was holding even harder as Sonia helpfully clapped along to the beat of the chant and Tanaka contorted into yet another step of the ritual dance.

_This had better damn well work, soul friend._

***

Something small and spiky hit Hajime in the back of the head, and he stumbled. "Huh?"

He shot a quick look at Mahiru, but she didn't seem to have noticed him. Hajime had figured that she would want to practice portraiture or something, but instead they had just headed to the field where Usami's ranch had been in the simulation. Mahiru had proceeded to lecture him on the finer points of landscape photography for the past half an hour or so, leading him around the field in a manner that had seemed purposeful at first, but in reality hadn't seemed to go anywhere.

Just like his train of thought on who had left the rose at his bedside.

Hajime frowned as he caught sight of what had hit him. It looked like...a piece of paper? He looked around, but couldn't spot anyone around other than Mahiru, who appeared to be focusing on the clouds.

_Could it be...the same person?_

Heart beating a little faster, he unfolded the piece of paper, scanning the words eagerly.

_HAJIME HINATA. TO FIND YOUR WHITE ROSE, COME TO THE CENTER OF JABBERWOCK FOREST AT 5:00 ALONE._

His frown deepened. He didn't recognize the handwriting, which was frankly terrible. It looked like someone had dipped an overlong nail in ink and scratched the letters out, spraying giant blots everywhere in the process. Could his admirer really have such awful penmanship?

...no, that wasn't it! Perhaps they were simply trying to disguise their handwriting! Although, for someone who had come up with such a romantic idea as a rose, the letter was vaguely threatening. It read more like a ransom note than anything else.

But it was a ransom note that was definitely addressed to _him_. Not Izuru Kamukura.

Hajime wanted to dash off to the meeting place immediately, cutting all of this cloak-and-dagger stuff off - after all, Mahiru didn't really need him - but she had finally noticed her lack of attention. For a second, he thought he saw a brief smirk flash upon her lips as he hastily shoved the note in his pocket, but it was probably his imagination.

"Hajime, you're not _going_ anywhere, are you?" she said threateningly.

He sighed, settling back onto his heels. Hopefully, she would let him go before 4:00. He had a feeling that he should comb his hair, at the very least.

Jum-P nodded to himself, slinking backward. His work here was done.

The hamster froze, whiskers twitching, at the inviting pile of hay lying on the side of the road. Squeaking happily, he bounced forward, visions of blissful blackness already filling his eyes.

It was important to be well-rested before he met up with San-D and the others, after all.

***

"Did anyone bring binoculars?"

Fuyuhiko rolled his eyes, passing a set to the dancer huddled in the bushes beside him. "Just make sure you give them back in one piece."

Hiyoko snatched them from his hands, cackling evilly as she adjusted the dials on the side, and Fuyuhiko sighed again, doing his best to ignore Teruteru's pointed grumbling about wanting a better look as well. He hadn't expected to spend his evening concealed in a bunch of shrubbery with eight other people. Then again, he hadn't expected Hajime to be such a fucking moron about his feelings either, so it looked like this was going to be a week full of surprises.

"Hey, Nagito's here!" Akane grinned gleefully, gesturing for silence with one hand as she clamped the other firmly over an enthusiastic Nekomaru's mouth.

Allowing himself to share a small smile of anticipation with Peko, Fuyuhiko raised his own pair of binoculars to his eyes.

***

Hajime's jaw dropped as he entered the clearing, five minutes past the appointed time.

He'd rushed over from his cottage as fast as he could. Mahiru had finally released him at 4:30, just as he'd been losing the debate between politeness and the desire to excuse himself, and he'd hurried to change his clothes and flatten his hair-spike as much as possible before the rendez-vous. Upon seeing the gorgeous arch of flowers and enormous cake - festooned with more-or-less modest frosting flowers in alternating red and white - he was incredibly glad that he had freshened up first.

Upon seeing the person waiting for him, his heart soared suddenly, impossibly higher. As Nagito turned around, he could have sworn that he heard soft notes of music lingering in the air. Perhaps a chorus of angels, too. But maybe that was just him.

(Several feet away, eight pairs of eyes swiveled incredulously towards Ibuki, who had edged forward slightly and was nonchalantly plucking out a beautifully romantic melody on her guitar, harmonizing with the chirps of the hamsters on her shoulders. At her exaggerated wink, they turned backwards immediately. It wouldn't be good to tempt her into singing.)

"Nagito," he breathed, all thoughts of the note in his pocket forgotten. "This is _beautiful._ Did you really-" His train of thought broke off as the music swelled forbiddingly. After all, what did it matter? Nagito was obviously the only person who could have sent the note.

"The arch is very lovely," Nagito said mildly. "I thought with my luck I would be allergic to the flowers for sure! Or that this would turn out to be some sort of cosmic joke." His smile grew wider. "But you're here, Hajime."

"Yeah, I am," he said, still grinning stupidly. "Me. Hajime. Not Izuru."

Nagito looked puzzled. "Since you were able to absorb his personality with the force of your hope, that seems like an irrelevant distinction. Unless..." he mused quietly, ignoring the frantic crescendoes of the music.

Hajime froze. That was right. He'd told everyone that he'd absorbed Izuru into himself. But surely Nagito could see that he wasn't acting anything even remotely like Izuru! Izuru wouldn't want to ask him to dance again - or want to taste the cake and make a joke about it not being poisoned - or, or, _or_ -

In the bushes, Peko leaned closer to Fuyuhiko. "I do not understand what is happening," she whispered.

Fuyuhiko swore under his breath. "Hey, Ibuki!" he hissed. "Kazuichi told you about that weird shit going on with Izuru before you planned all this, right?" _Please say yes, please say yes, please say-_

"Wha-wha-wha?" Ibuki whipped her hair, music faltering slightly. "Isn't he, like, dead or something?" The hamsters exchanged worried glances. A few soft 'meeps' of consternation echoed in the silence.

"Fuck," Fuyhiko moaned, burying his head in his hands.

***

"Hajime...you were the one who sent this note, right?" Lips pressed into a thin line, Nagito pulled a folded piece of paper from the pocket of his coat. _NAGITO KOMAEDA. TO FIND YOUR RED ROSE, COME TO THE CENTER OF JABBERWOCK FOREST AT 5:00 ALONE._

Hajime stared dumbly. "So...you didn't leave the rose in my room..."

He'd expected many sorts of different expressions. Disappointment, maybe. Anger. Sadness. He hadn't expected Nagito to look...relieved. "Ah, so this is a joke after all!" The other boy laughed wildly. "Ahahaha...I'd been preparing for such bad luck to come afterward, but I selfishly showed up anyways! I wasn't even thinking about you, Hajime! But now good luck is guaranteed to come after, right? Right?"

Lightning speared from the heavens above, directly into the metal wiring supporting the flower arch. It creaked. It groaned. It let out a torturous scream.

The arch collapsed straight downward as Nagito, still laughing maniacally, dodged the debris.

_Izuru,_ he whispered desperately. _What's happening? What is this?_

_...I have no idea,_ Izuru replied grudgingly, the same notes of delighted revulsion in his voice as if he had been watching a trainwreck.

Nagito's laughter stopped abruptly. For a moment, he really did look disappointed. "I think we should leave, Hajime."

"Yeah," he managed to say before his throat closed up completely. "I-I'll go ahead..."

The pair left separately, and silence filled the spaces behind and around them.

***

Kazuichi staggered out of the library, his head spinning. He hadn't expected Tanaka's dark ritual to involve so much cowbell. Eight grueling hours of cowbell, to be exact. And chanting. And waving ritual knives about rather alarmingly. And a *lot* of wine. Sonia and Tanaka had both insisted that it was a necessary component of the summoning, but he wasn't quite sure -

A small, doleful squeak stopped him in his tracks. Head lowered, a silver-furred hamster shivered in front of him, the very picture of dejection.

"Hey, little guy!" His voice came out louder than he intended, and he stifled a hiccup. "What're ya doin' out here alone?"

The hamster tugged at his pant leg, and he eyed it doubtfully. Did it want him to _follow_ it, or something? The tugging grew more insistent, and he sighed. Maybe it was leading him to Hajime, or something. Whatever. He might as well go see if the hocus-pocus had done anything.

Kazuichi didn't expect to see literally everyone else he had asked for help crowded morosely around a small table, chewing on slices of an elaborate, multi-tiered chocolate cake. He frowned, rubbing at his eyes. Was he hallucinating, or something?

"Sorry, Kazuichi," Ibuki said mournfully. "The Dark Devas' plan failed after all."

"Good news, though," Akane said, shovelling a huge chunk of cake into her mouth. "This cake is amazing."

"Bad news. Ibuki and the fluffy ones did not know about Hajime's problem with Izuru, and the strategy fell apart," Peko said matter-of-factly.

Kazuichi was way too tired for this. He pointed at the mound of debris in the background. "What happened there?"

"It was the craziest thing." Koizumi sounded disbelieving. "Lightning just forked out of a clear sky and burnt the decorative arch we'd built right to the ground."

_Lightning?_

He vaguely remembered some of the words that Tanaka had been chanting. "Let thy forked trident rip apart the bonds between heaven and earth! The cleansing light of your flame shall suffuse the darkest corners of this existence!"

Kazuichi's jaw dropped. "Well, I'll be damned," he mumbled.

"Would you like some cake, Kazuichi?" Teruteru offered him a slice.

He took it. It tasted like defeat. Really, really delicious defeat.

***

"...so that's everything that happened," he concluded, nursing his glass of water. Mikan blinked rapidly, shaking her head. 

"S-so that's why N-N-Nagito wasn't here this morning..."

"Yeah," he said sadly. "Sorry, Mikan - I figured they'd have invited you, but..."

"I-it's okay!" she squeaked hurriedly. "I d-d-don't really talk to th-the hamsters much, anyways."

"It's not all right," Kazuichi said immediately, scowling. It wasn't fair - just because Mikan was quieter than most people didn't mean that they should exclude her. Or forget about her. His own worries soon swamped his anger, though. "Actually, _nothing_ is all right. I really messed this up for my soul friend, ya know? Now Komaeda's completely avoidin' him."

"Well, i-it's only been a day..." Mikan attempted to console him, but Kazuichi just buried his head in his arms on the table. "H-hey...Kazuichi..." A thoughtful spark lit up her eyes. "Wh-what did you say Nagito said when the lightning destroyed the arch?"

"Huh?" He raised his head feebly. "I wasn't there, but Koizumi said it was somethin' about bad luck...and how he'd showed up anyways, without carin' about Hajime..." He winced. "D'ya think...maybe Hajime's right? Maybe-"

"No," Mikan said fiercely. "No, that's wrong!" He stared at her in surprise, but she didn't back down. Instead, she stood up determinedly, hands spread out on the table. "I-I know what happened!"

"You do?" The life returned to his eyes, and he grinned at her. "That's amazin', Mikan! What d'you think we should do?"

"Can you bring Hajime to the hospital storeroom in exactly half an hour?"

Mikan's voice sounded even nicer when she wasn't stuttering. "Yeah, I can do that!" He considered it briefly. "Is that really enough time ta set somethin' up?"

"Yes," Mikan said firmly. And he believed her.

***

"How much did you have to drink last night, anyway?" Hajime sounded disapproving, but he was still a good enough friend to agree to accompany Kazuichi to the hospital in search of some sort of hangover cure, despite his obvious sadness over what had happened last night.

Kazuichi shuddered as a memory of the crimson circles on the ground lanced through his skull. "Not enough."

Hajime snorted. "I don't think drinking more really works as a cure, Kazuichi." He held the door open for him, and Kazuichi took the opportunity to surreptitiously check his watch. He was a couple of minutes early, and Mikan hadn't arrived yet.

"Let's go check the storeroom," he said, pulling Hajime with him.

"Wait a second!" his soul friend protested. "Shouldn't we wait for Mikan or something?"

"Nah, it's fine!" He spotted the clipboard Mikan had mentioned on the front desk, and hastily scribbled a quick "We're here! -K" onto its surface before dragging Hajime into the storeroom with him. "See?" he said reassuringly. "I left a note!"

Hajime sighed. "Okay, fine. So all we need to do is find some aspirin, right?" He scanned the shelves quickly, grabbing a small bottle. "Here, got one-"

"Aspirin doesn't work on me!" He had to keep Hajime around until Mikan got back.

Hajime eyed him skeptically. "Have you even tried it, Kazuichi?"

Before his bluffing skills were tested further, he heard the door open. "Shh!" he hissed frantically.

"I knew we weren't supposed to be in here!"

"Shhh!" he hissed again. He could hear Mikan's voice in the lobby.

"I actually brought you here to discuss something," he heard her say. The walls of the storeroom seemed to be pretty thin - was that why she'd asked him to bring Hajime here?"

"All right," a voice replied gamely, and his eyes widened. She'd brought Komaeda with her!

Hajime seemed to realize who it was at the same time, and instantly panicked. "This is bad. We have to get out of-mmph!"

Kazuichi clamped a hand over his mouth, dragging him backwards. "Sorry, soul friend!" he whispered, doing his best to stifle Hajime's increasingly frustrated shouts. "This is for your own good, really!"

***

"I've been monitoring e-everyone's sleep patterns and occasional MRIs since they woke up," Mikan explained, her voice filled with the characteristic confidence she only seemed to be able to find when talking about her profession. Or when she was lying. "I've discovered that Hajime m-may have been mistaken about absorbing I-Izuru's personality into himself."

Nagito's eyes narrowed. "Mistaken? In what sense?"

Mikan met his eyes calmly. "Izuru's personality may still be active inside Hajime."

Unfortunately, Nagito was a much cleverer opponent than most of the others on the island. "Hajime's behavior isn't consistent with a despairing state like that. And surely the Ultimate Nurse would have noticed such a thing sooner."

"Izuru is very smart." That much, at least, was true. "I-I only began to suspect it when I noticed some a-a-anomalies on his latest brain scans. For now, Izuru's personality has lain largely dormant, feeding H-Hajime whatever pieces of knowledge he needed, but I suspect that this was a feint. S-soon, he may be able to subsume Hajime e-entirely."

She had been worried that he would dig deeper into her lie, but the statement apparently galvanized him right into action. "As an Ultimate, you must have some sort of plan to stop him." Nagito's eyes shone with a quiet desperation.

"Yes, I do," she said softly.

"Hajime is in danger," Nagito said, almost to himself. Turning sharply, he strode towards the door. "I'll bring him here at once! His hope must be protected!"

"Wait! Th-that's what I need to talk to you about!" Nagito paused, his hand on the door. Mikan shot a quick glance at the storeroom. She had to hurry this along. "I-I don't know if Hajime's - o-or Izuru's - personality has been c-compromised. They may not be able to reach a d-decision. That's why, as the one who knows him best, I-I'm asking you."

"Save Hajime," Nagito said immediately. Something terrifying unfolded in his eyes. "That is the only reasonable choice...unless you've succumbed to despair again."

"N-no!" she squeaked. "Th-that is...I mean..." She took a deep breath. "I-if I save Hajime, I d-destroy Izuru completely. All his knowledge, his talent - g-g-gone." Nagito paused, and Mikan really, really hoped she was right. "S-so...I'd just be saving Hajime...ordinary, talentless Hajime..."

When Nagito spoke, his voice was just as firm as before. "I already told you, didn't I? Save Hajime."

Inside the storeroom, Hajime stopped struggling, eyes wide.

Mikan turned around to hide her grin. _Yes!_ "W-w-why?" she asked.

"What a hopeless question," Nagito snarled. "How can you ask something like that? It doesn't matter if Hajime loses all of those fake, manufactured talents! He's the one who helped us! He's the one who saved us from despair! It's Hajime, not Izuru, who was always the Ultimate Hope! And it's Hajime, not Izuru, that I'm in love with!"

The storeroom door burst open. Panting, Hajime leaned on the doorframe, eyes wide as he stared at Nagito. 

Nagito's hands flew to his mouth. "Ahaha! What terrible luck! To hear such useless words from a disgusting waste of talent like me-"

"You're not," Hajime said automatically. He straightened up. "Did you mean it? You're in love with me? Not Izuru?"

"Yes," Nagito said simply. "But you're in danger-"

"I was l-l-lying!" Mikan said brightly. Nagito looked stunned as she stepped aside prudently.

"Lying?" he mused. His eyes widened. "But - Hajime-"

Hajime crossed the room in four long steps, tangled his fist in Nagito's hair, and kissed him.

"YES!" Kazuichi and Mikan shrieked in unison as they finally broke apart. Wonderingly, Nagito's hand traced the line of Hajime's jaw, the curve of his neck. His lashes lowered.

"Hajime, trash like me doesn't deserve this-"

"Shut up," Hajime said breathlessly. "I love you too, Nagito."

Kazuichi shared an awkward glance with Mikan as Nagito swept Hajime into another long, passionate kiss. "Uh...we're just...goin' ta go now..." The pair showed no signs of hearing them. Taking Mikan's wrist, he dragged her out the door, slamming it behind them.

Neither Hajime nor Nagito noticed.

***

When they finally broke apart, they were both flushed, smiling; Hajime's hair was a complete mess, and Nagito's jacket had slid off his shoulders at some point and ended up on the floor, but somehow it didn't seem to matter.

"I'm so selfish," Nagito muttered, hands tightening on Hajime's shoulders. "My luck destroys everything I love, Hajime. And someone as despicable as me still dared to involve you-"

Hajime grabbed Nagito's jacket from the ground, wrapped it around his fist, then walked over to the mirror on the far wall and punched it. It shattered immediately. It also sent a sharp jolt of pain through his knuckles, even though they were wrapped up. He winced, hiding his hand behind his back. This always looked so much cooler in movies.

"That's seven years of bad luck," he said, meeting Nagito's eyes. "So we're probably good for a while..."

This time, it was Nagito who moved across the room to kiss him again.

After, as they left the hospital together, looking more-or-less presentable, Nagito spoke. "It seems as if we've already had a few first dates, Hajime."

The dance. The dinner. The parkour game (if it had been parkour). Even the complete disaster that had been the night before brought a smile to his lips. "Yeah, I guess so. But, I guess...I'd kind of like to have another one. You know, a proper first date."

Nagito hummed approvingly. "What would you like to do, Hajime?"

He squeezed Nagito's hand. "I was thinking...maybe, we could build another sandcastle together? And this time, we can take a picture of it - so even if it does break, or get swamped by a wave, we'll still always have it."

Nagito's smile still made his heart flutter. "I'd like that, Hajime."

_Not completely terrible, Hajime,_ Izuru said dryly. His mental applause only sounded half-sarcastic.

Grinning, Hajime stretched, already planning their day at the beach. Things finally seemed to be looking up.

In fact - he was pretty sure that the days ahead were really going to be full of hope.

***

"Mikan, you're a genius," Kazuichi gushed. "We've been tryin' everythin' - some of it was really crazy, I can't believe we actually did that - an' you just got them together! In less than five minutes!"

"Hehe..." Mikan chuckled. "S-sometimes people j-j-just need to talk..."

"Yeah, but we couldn't figure it out at all!" He waved his hands in the air. "That was the most amazin' thing I've ever seen!"

"Th-thanks, Kazuichi!" She laughed as he finally confessed what had happened with Teruteru, and even chuckled at his descriptions of the ritual with Tanaka and Sonia.

"You know," she said abruptly, "y-you really d-did a lot for your f-f-friend."

"He's my soul friend!" Kazuichi said with a grin. "Of course I did!"

"A-a-and..." Mikan screwed her eyes shut. "I-I really respect that!"

"Hey, thanks, Mikan!" He smiled sheepishly. "I didn't really do that much, though. I mean, it was mostly everyone else-"

"I _respect_ that," she repeated. When he stared at her, puzzled, she repeated herself, a little slower. "I-I mean...you're good at making things...and I really like the Mechamaru c-clock you made...and I r-r-respect _you!"_

He frowned, trying to remember why that sounded familiar. Then, his eyes widened. "Oh!" The beach house - after the assassin game - when he'd talked about respect and _love_ -! "I respect you too, ya know!" he blurted out. "Like...like a lot!" And, now that he thought about it, it really was true.

"R-really?" Mikan gasped.

"Yeah!" he said, nodding ferociously. "Really!"

"G-g-great!" she squeaked. They walked in silence for a little bit, Kazuichi's mind whirling. Was he supposed to hold her hand? Should he ask her out?

They both spoke at the same time.

"Do you-"

"D'ya-"

Mikan giggled, gesturing towards him. "Y-you first!"

"I was wonderin' if...if ya wanted ta see the power armor I've been workin' on? I figured...ya know, since you're a nurse, you'd know more about what bits'd make sense, an' maybe we could work on it together...if ya want, that is!"

"W-wow," Mikan stammered. A slight hint of mischief appeared on her delicate features. "I-I was going to ask if you wanted to g-get dinner sometime, but-"

"That too!" he yelped quickly. "Uh, I mean - dinner first!"

"Th-they both sound fun," Mikan said, and she was the one who went for his hand - hesitantly at first, but surprisingly firm when he gripped her hand back.

"Great!" he said. "Just - on one condition."

"Wh-what?" she said warily.

"No candlelit dinners from Teruteru," he said, and she laughed in relief.

"I-I can do that!"

Arms swinging companionably, Mikan and Kazuichi walked over to the restaurant to join the rest of their friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY! It's been a relatively long wait for this chapter, but I hope the payoff was worth it :)


	15. In Which All Good Things (Come To An End)

"So, it's already been another year, huh?"

Hajime winced as another errant tree root poked into his back, wriggling about in a fruitless attempt to find a more comfortable position. He sighed, a fond smile on his face as he propped his back up against the tree's trunk.

"I brought some of that popcorn you liked. To be honest, I never really got used to the curry flavor...but I guess that's what you liked about it, isn't it?" Carefully, he leaned forward to scatter a few kernels on the ground in front of him before taking his own handful.

For a few moments, he munched in companionable silence, listening to the delicate chirping of the birds far above him.

"A lot of things have happened since we last talked," he said, stretching his arms. "You'd be happy to see the world now, I think. People are really amazing...it's taken some time, but the world outside is healing faster than anyone expected. In some ways, the world everyone is working to rebuild might be even better than what came before - out of so much despair, it looks like we've finally found hope. Izuru, Mikan, and Kazuichi have really been working hard on their inventions - just last week, they engineered a bio-pesticide to protect crops while still preserving the regrowth efforts around the world-"

_I was tired of watching you idiots flail around,_ Izuru snapped.

"Izuru says he only did it because he was bored. _Definitely_ not out of the kindness of his heart or anything."

_As long as you understand that,_ Izuru grumbled, evidently unwilling to get into an argument.

He did his best to convey a sense of mental gratitude to the Ultimate Everything. Hajime didn't want to get into a fight here, either. Taking another handful of popcorn, he continued.

"I guess you'd be pretty interested in Hiyoko and Mahiru's engagement! I'm sure they've probably already told you, but Hiyoko proposed last week! Mahiru said it was really lovely - Hiyoko danced for her by the water and proposed with a scrapbook she'd made with a bunch of pictures she'd drawn of the two of them. Not that anyone's ever going to tell her, but Hiyoko's even toned down her language over the past year. She and Mikan are almost friends now - can you imagine?" The grin on his face stretched even wider. "Actually, never mind. That's probably exactly the sort of thing you'd have predicted. Everyone's pretty excited, though! Teruteru even volunteered to create a brand new menu for the wedding. It was kind of weird how much Kazuichi insisted on being there to supervise him, though..."

He trailed off, remembering that awkward-yet-somehow-still-amazing-in-retrospect candlelit dinner. Kazuichi had confessed to being behind a lot of the other strange things that had happened, but he swore up and down that he'd never meant to let something like that happen. Which wasn't really the same as saying he _hadn't_ planned that event, too. Could it be-?

Nah. His best friend wasn't really known for his subtlety, anyways.

"Oh yeah! Before I forget, I brought something else for you!" He pulled a book out of his backpack, setting it down next to the kernels. "Don't worry - it's paper, so I'm not really littering! It's a sort of choose-your-own-adventure book - Love In The Time of Tank Engines. It's got loads of stuff you liked - tank battles, life-or-death decisions with your squad, a frankly kind of puzzling romance with your second-in-command if you pick the right options-"

_I still cannot believe you actually made us read that drivel._

"Hey, it wasn't _that_ bad!" Hajime protested. He couldn't help but laugh at Izuru's pointed silence. "Okay, no, who am I kidding? It was terrible. But it was still kind of fun to try and get all the endings. It's not really your usual sort of game, but you really might have liked it...I think."

He closed his eyes, doing his best to focus on the few scraps of knowledge he had. "I wish I could remember you from before," he whispered, painfully aware of how hoarse his voice suddenly felt. "I don't remember you at all, from before the simulation. But I feel like I know you, anyways. Isn't that strange?" He snorted self-consciously. "What am I even blabbering on about? You'd tell me to face the future, no matter what! And all of this - it's all here because of you, too, you know."

Somewhere in the forest, Akane and Nekomaru were probably working on the latest scavenger hunt they'd planned for everyone. Somewhere even deeper inside the forest, Gundham and Sonia were hunting down fresh spell ingredients in their fourth attempt at summoning a golden makongo, whatever the hell that was. Somewhere inside a thankfully soundproof building, Ibuki, Twogami, and four Dark Devas of Destruction were headbanging furiously as they practiced their most recent composition, Imposter Empty Nest Syndrome.

And somewhere, probably right behind him-

"Hajime! Sorry, I'm late!"

Nagito's freshly-washed hair was fluffier than usual as he sank down beside him, pillowing his head on Hajime's shoulder. The strands tickling Hajime's nose smelled faintly like watermelon, and for a few self-indulgent moments, he closed his eyes and breathed his boyfriend in.

Nagito pulled his own offering from his pocket, and he tilted his head to peer at it. To Hajime's great surprise, the drawing was actually recognizable as Super Mario, complete with a cartoonish speech bubble indicating that he was asleep. It was clear that Nagito had put a lot of effort into it, considering the more...abstract...works that usually filled his sketchbook.

"That looks great, Nagito!" he said enthusiastically, and was rewarded with a warm smile as Nagito carefully tucked the drawing beneath the book so that it wouldn't blow away.

"Thank you, Hajime." Nagito's hand found its way into his, squeezing gently. "Did you already tell her about Mahiru and Hiyoko?"

"Yeah! I didn't tell her about the movie yet, though. Did you want to tell her?"

Nagito settled back into position on his shoulder, sighing contentedly. "You are much better at describing things than I am, Hajime."

He'd finally gotten Nagito to stop insulting himself all the time, but Hajime had learned to pick his battles when it came to the smaller things. "Nagito is a brilliant director," he said enthusiastically. "We're making a documentary, of sorts, about rebuilding ourselves and our friendships. I guess it's not really about rediscovering the past, but more like discovering that we have a future. That _everyone_ is going to have a future."

"I thought of a working title," Nagito added. "It's too long right now, but it should be something like 'The Ultimate Hope Was Within Us All Along', I believe. What do you think, Hajime?"

Every time Hajime was reminded of how unbelievably, incredibly _far_ Nagito had come, he fell in love with him all over again. "It's amazing. Just like you."

"Ahaha! Over the top, as always," Nagito laughed, but his smile was genuine. His eyes widened. "Oh! Mahiru offered to show us how to properly set up a smooth tracking shot later today. If you wanted to wait, though-"

"No, it's all right." There were still quite a few kernels left. "We can share the popcorn with everyone this way!"

"Hopeful as always," Nagito said, sighing in mock resignation.

Together, they waved at the largest tree in Jabberwock Forest, considered by popular vote to be the best napping spot on any of the islands.

"Happy birthday, Chiaki," Hajime said quietly. "We miss you."

Heart soaring as the man he loved leaned comfortingly into his side, Hajime curled his fingers around Nagito's and walked into the sunlight, to enjoy the future that she had given them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're done! I hope you enjoyed reading this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it! Thank you for sticking with me until the very end :)


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